Pathway to Japanese Literature

――At that time, I was living with two distinct minds—one for day and one for night.
My daytime vitality had drained entirely into the night.
Daytime was nothing but a continuous series of empty hours for me.
There persisted only the faintly hazed brightness of winter days, a dazed consciousness, and a world utterly slackened in ceaseless weariness.
Yet when night came, my mind would grow as clear as a mirror's surface.
All phenomena reflected there awakened to vibrant vitality.
And everything became eyes peering from that deep world of life where all exists.
The hard outer skin split and contours crumbled, souls staring out with unblinking eyes.
Those souls came back to life within my heart.
When I opened my soul's window to gaze into that unseen mental world beyond those eyes, I would experience profound joy.
I sat at the center of that world upon a throne loving all creation, holding my breath and concentrating my thoughts.

――After finishing dinner, I would often go out for a walk.

The sky always shone with a dark indigo hue, and countless lights—quivering as they glowed like living eyes—flowed in rows along both sides of the street.
Along the straight asphalt-paved street, many people passed silently by.
When I walked alone, awake with sharp consciousness and a profound mind, everything would leap into my world, only to be filtered and left behind in the darkness behind me.

I wore a long camel-hair wool mantle, pulled a large wide-brimmed hat low over my eyes, and then wrapped a scarf around the lower half of my face.
The sensation against my cheeks imparted a warmth with sensual quality to my peculiar world.

On my way back, I would often stop by a certain café.
It stood at the turning point from the wide street into the narrow alley where my house was located.

I would stop briefly in front of it.
And I would tilt my head slightly to the left.
At those times when the shadow piercing my heart did not impart an uneasy sensation, I would then push open the door and enter.

Directly in front was a large rectangular table, while deeper in on the left side sat two small tables—one round and one square—arranged side by side.
Potted sago palms, winter plums, and pines were placed on top of them.
To the right was the counter, and through the latticework above it, a white flower hairpin in the waitress’s hair could be seen.
There were very few customers.
I had never seen a fire lit in the fireplace installed at the back of the room.
The waitress would always bring a small Seto-ware brazier.

When I entered there, those things would immediately come leaping into my world and revive.
The breadth of my heart and the breadth of the room matched exactly.
In that place, there was no gaze coming from beyond the boundaries of my mind.

―It was certainly not at this café that I first saw that man.
However, it was in that room that I stared intently at him.

I had always been fond of perfectly round things.
It was because they possessed charming souls.
Because when stared at intently, they would begin to rotate quietly and elegantly around a single central point.
So my seat was always at the round table in the back.

The man always took his seat at the square table next to my round one.
He would neatly align both legs, turn his back to the room, fold his hands, and stare fixedly at the dimly lit corner.
He wore a camel-hair mantle like mine and kept his fedora pulled low over his forehead.
Yet I clearly discerned that his head was broad sideways and his forehead protruded alarmingly.

From where I sat, directly facing him, there was a window.
It was a small rectangular window opened toward the street, its grayish-green woolen curtains perpetually drawn.
As I stared at that window, I thought of nighttime windows on express trains.
Then I shifted my gaze to his profile.
He possessed remarkably beautiful cheeks.

I had certainly seen him many times before.
I had seen him at least once or twice before at that café.
I seemed to have seen him on the street as well.
His face existed even in my memories of travels.
Then I stretched up and searched for him beyond memory's horizon.
In my childhood, in my infancy, even before I was born—his face existed there.
……But somehow it remained unclear.
A bizarrely tangled mass was fermenting and swirling into a vortex within my head.

――That night, my throat was strangely parched.
So I drank two cups of black tea and ate an apple.
At that very moment, he too drank two cups of black tea and ate an apple.

The waitress placed a plate of peeled apples before him and turned away, then glanced back at me with her sleeve pressed to her mouth in stifled laughter.

Something rustled restlessly within my mind.
At that moment, I felt enraged at everything.
I hurriedly paid the bill and stood up.
Just then, he turned around and looked at me.
In that instant, his eyes shone unnaturally and pierced through my chest.

The café’s air grew still again, settling back into my world.
I nibbled sweets and sipped black tea in peace.

One evening, he suddenly entered.
After closing the door behind him, he stopped briefly.
He swept his gaze around the room, then fixed those uncanny eyes on me.
At that moment, I knew with clarity.
He never once looked at my face.
He simply stared fixedly at the black tea and sweets before me.
Then he took his seat at the usual square table and ordered black tea and sweets from the waitress.

I couldn't get that out of my mind.
But I held my ground.
Yet steadily, an eerie fear began to seize hold of me.
I had come to realize something was being stolen from me by him all along.
So I resolutely stared at his profile.

At that moment, he was staring fixedly at the corner of the room, his mouth tightly closed.
And was tightening and relaxing the muscles around his mouth and cheeks.
It was exactly like a frog’s jaw.
As I kept staring at the movement of those muscles, a strange, ticklish shiver ran through me.
And the muscles of my cheeks quivered violently.
Unconsciously stroking my cheek with my palm, I found it smoothly cold.
I unconsciously jumped up.

At that moment, something glided smoothly back from him to me.
That bastard had been stealing something.

Damnation!
"Damnation," I mouthed soundlessly within myself.

I mustn't let my guard down!
This thought sprouted within my heart from that moment onward.

Everything that reflects in my mind and enters my consciousness is all symbols of a world invisible to the naked eye.
Before long, my mind embraces that world and warms it with a tepid breath.
And there, profound life is created.
My mind, thus impregnating reality, gives birth to it into the world of life.
I am the mother of that world.
I powerfully love everything there.
Nothing holds any value unless it awaits this revival-death.
No one possesses their own existence in relation to me.
It is I who gives souls to them all.

Only that man refused to enter my world.
When I meditated at the center of my world, he would abruptly arrive.
Then my world would shudder and seethe restlessly.
He came precisely like a black shadow.
He harbored an existence beyond my understanding.
His eyes spoke of it plainly.

He had deeply sunken eyes beneath his protruding forehead. In those eyes resided a strangely blue, cold light. He steadily fixed those eyes on each object one by one. At that moment, between his eyes and the object being gazed upon, an intangible yet powerful chain formed. And something flowed into him. With my power, I could not stop it. And now he was about to fix those eyes steadily upon me. If he were to fix those eyes steadily upon my soul... I must never let my guard down.

After that, I went to the café every day for a week and discovered he only came on Tuesdays and Fridays.
I thought this would provide immense convenience in ascertaining his true identity.

Truly, Tuesdays and Fridays are the days I hate most.
My beautiful cousin fell ill on a Tuesday and died on Friday evening two weeks later.
Tuesdays and Fridays and that bastard whirl around in my heart, spinning a strange riddle.
That is what's tempting me now.
But I must prove that I can overcome that riddle.
I must observe that bastard more closely.
And to build up strength, I must not visit that café outside of Tuesdays and Fridays.
I declare war on him.
Something was relentlessly pushing me from behind.

On Friday evening, I left home early.
And after wandering around for a long time, I stopped in front of that café.
At that moment, something slipped away from my heart.
With a start, I walked right past it.

That night, the stars shone beautifully, filling the sky.
As I gazed at those stars, my mind grew calm.
And so I stood before the café once more.

I pushed the door.
Something inside was pressing hard against it.
So I pushed with all my might.
Then it opened without a sound.

I thrust myself inside.
Everything burst out at once.
The gas lamp, the table, the sago palm, the stove's pitch-black chimney, and the landscape painting on the wall.
And in the next instant, they all held their breath and fell silent within my heart.
I drew strength from my mind's crystalline tension.
With that, I swept my gaze sharply around the room.

Sure enough, he was there.
He had his back turned to me and was leaning against the usual table near the window.
And he sat perfectly still.

At that moment, I walked forcefully to the round table at the back. Then I deliberately turned toward him and looked at the table. There were sweets and a coffee cup there. I intuitively knew it was coffee. And I told the waitress to give me sweets and coffee. Only then, feeling relieved, did I finally sit down.

At that moment, I had forgotten something very important. I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was. But I had been thinking intently about it for a long time.

At that moment, he suddenly stood up and left.
I could do nothing about it.
I hurriedly settled the bill and left as well.

Cold air flowed across the cheek.
I realized I was terribly exhausted.
And inside my head, a vague emptiness had formed.
A strange, frustrating feeling was packed full there.

I must calm myself.
I believe there is something stronger than him.
However, I am being subjected to tremendous oppression from him.
At times, I even feel like I'm being manipulated by him like a puppet.
Truly, I must calm myself to an eerie degree.

Thinking this, I went to the café early on Tuesday evening.
Without eating anything, I first borrowed the evening paper from the waitress and simply gazed vacantly at it.

It was utterly quiet.
And peaceful.
Around me existed a crystal-clear world.
And the eyes of various objects were fixed intently upon me, fawning.
I was arrogant, powerful, and loved all things.
But somehow a strange mist had settled hazily.

My mind's ear was perpetually straining toward something.
"Coward," I told myself.
Yet by the time I realized this, his world had already pressed unbearably near.

He opened the door and entered abruptly.
And without so much as a glance in my direction, he walked straight to the square table.
Then he told the waitress to bring him chocolate.

At that moment, I was so shocked that my breath caught.
That evening, I had resolved from the start to drink chocolate.
However, thinking I shouldn’t act rashly, I had deliberately waited until he arrived.
In any case, that bastard was being presumptuous toward me.
I had grown irritated.
So I summoned the waitress and barked at her in a loud voice to bring me chocolate.
At that moment, I was smoking a rolled cigarette.
With an unsettled heart, I lit the second one.
At that moment, the smoke drifted gently toward him, and fine ashes flew in his direction.
When I suddenly looked his way, he was sitting there vacantly welling up with tears like a shadow in the darkness.
And a small hole—a pitch-black hole—opened up, leading somewhere.
Into it, something invisible slipped smoothly in.
At that moment, he stood up calmly and left soundlessly, leaving me in a daze.
A great melancholy gradually descended over me, growing thicker and heavier.
At that moment, I was profoundly struck by a desolate sense of loneliness.

From somewhere, a voice whispered to me in a hushed tone.
The voice was beginning to spread out, growing larger throughout the room.
I couldn't bear it any longer and fled that place.

-- Strange days continued.
Something had flown away from my head to some unknown place.
And then something else had entered in its place.
That is something I do not know.
That had seized me with a powerful force.
Without fail, I went to the café on Tuesday and Friday evenings.
He too came without fail.
And we always ate and drank the same things.

There was nothing but black tea, coffee, cocoa, and chocolate; then wine, whiskey, vermouth, and cherry liqueur; along with sweets and fruits.
That these were the only variations was truly unbearable.
While imagining all manner of unrestricted ingredients in abundance, I could do nothing.

Why?
The question no longer lingered there.
We were that faithful to our own souls, and our souls were indeed bound together so strongly.
That we chose the same things was merely how it had to be.
And there we sat—he and I—facing each other motionless within inevitability.
I simply couldn't do it.

He was gradually devouring my world.
All things within my mind watched intently with soul's eyes.
But over those eyes, a thin veil had begun to settle.
It grew thicker by degrees.
And within it came to dwell the dim shadow he drew forth.
I felt myself growing lonelier still.
Everything turned its back on me and swayed toward him.
I couldn't do anything about it.
From depths of unendurable anguish, I simply stared fixedly at him.
With eyes like those watching a feral beast strip away my living skin layer by layer, I simply stared fixedly at him.

When he exited from there, he first pulled the door inward.
Then he would bend his body forward and peer outside without fail.
Whenever I saw that figure, I felt an unbearable terror.

However, it was a certain windy evening.
I quietly took out a pocket watch.
That evening, I thought that even the sound of the watch would be drowned out by the wind and go unheard by him.
At that moment, he peered outside intently for seven seconds.
And he straightened up perfectly straight and strode out.

After that, I often tried measuring that time.
It was fixed between five and eight seconds.
I tried to discover something from that time and from his heartbeat.
Yet he scarcely even revealed the very existence of his heart to me.

I still clung deeply to these five and eight seconds.
And from there, I resolved to infiltrate his inner being.
He had discerned this intent.
And he betrayed me.

It was one evening when I tried to leave that place before him.
I knocked rhythmically on the table with my teaspoon to call the waitress for the bill.
When the waitress didn’t respond immediately, I knocked rhythmically again.
And knocked rhythmically again.
At that moment, he knocked rhythmically again.
Then we knocked on the table in unison.
A feeling that was both pricklingly ticklish and exasperatingly frustrating welled up within me.
And within myself, I found clarity and his will.
It was so strong that resistance was impossible.
I wanted to smash myself against something.
Even so, I still had no choice but to knock on the table in unison with him.
Immediately, the waitress came.
She went to him first.
I heard him nonchalantly settle the bill.

At that moment, a violent thought suddenly arose within me.
I wanted to kick him and sprang to my feet.
But my legs froze stiff there.
Still I mustered all my strength and barked at the waitress—"Take mine first! I'm in a hurry!"
He waited silently until I settled the bill.
I bolted from the place as though sprinting.

The truth was, he moved utterly without sound, ever so stealthily.
He was always lying in wait for some opening.
Like wind whooshing through a gap, he came sneaking in from behind.
By the time I noticed, it was already too late.
And thus, before I knew it, he had densely accumulated his own shadow within the café.
And after taking everything from me, he was now trying to steal into my chest.
I knew well that that man was steadily targeting my soul.

Both he and I remained fixed at our tables.
The space between us was merely six or seven steps.
In that space, a deep silence pooled.
My soul, within this silence, quietly opened the door of form and attempted to peer outside.
At that moment, he stealthily reached his hand toward me and attempted to seize my soul.

I startled and firmly shut my heart's door.
But there was nothing I could do.
Around me, his shadow stood deeply enveloping.
I sank into it, thrashing about, yet could do nothing but hold my breath and keep my heart's door shut tight, tight.

At that moment, other customers suddenly entered.

The room filled with a hazy turbulence of disordered things.
And I came to my senses in a daze, as though waking from a dream.
His world had abruptly twisted aside and withdrawn into the shadows.

The unfamiliar new customers were two men in Western clothes.
They sat leisurely at the large central table drinking coffee.
They knew nothing.
And they saw nothing at all.

I found myself suddenly liberated, yet I clearly knew countless eyes from every corner of the room were watching me intently.
That bastard—he was lurking among them.
When the time came for just the two of us to be enveloped in silence, he would leap out from there and seize me.
He was watching intently for an opening from all directions.

At that moment, I didn’t have to close my heart so tightly.
Yet that very fact made the anxiety swell greater still.
Trembling violently, I finally managed to escape from that café.

Even as I writhed in torment, I could do nothing but be drawn relentlessly toward him.
If I tried to collide with him with all my strength, he would softly envelop me within something immense.

When either of us drank something, there was nothing particularly strange about the one who came later ordering the same thing upon seeing it. Yet there were times when I merely thought things through in my head and remained motionless. At such moments, he would invariably instruct the waitress about it before I could. Was it acceptable for me to conceive something only for him to act on it first? With a face contorted as if about to weep, I still had to replicate exactly what I had thought and he had executed.

What I think, what I do—that man steals them all away.
He devours me completely, strips me bare, and even tries to lick my soul as it trembles and writhes there.

Even so, I still believe I have strength.
If I were to start walking straight toward him now, I’m certain I could pierce right through the world of his that surrounds me.
But I’m scared.
Scared enough to make my hair stand on end.

In his world there lay a thin membrane deep within.
I couldn’t see beyond that.
Being a thin membrane, it would surely tear immediately if I were to kick it lightly with my toe.
Yet now what lay beyond was threatening me.
I often experienced in dreams that terror of plummeting straight down from great heights into bottomless depths at suffocating speed.
When I tried peering beyond that thin membrane, that same terror assailed me.

Yet if I remained like this my life would simply be drained away by him.
I had to do something.

―A cold wind blew with ferocity.
The sound struck my head, clanging loudly.
Even as I leaned against the round table in the café, my body felt as though it might sway unsteadily from the sound of the wind.

The moment I saw him enter, I instinctively gritted my teeth.

He had never worn a scarf before.
Moreover, that evening, he wore the same camel-hair cloth as mine and, what’s more, had wrapped it around the lower half of his face exactly as I did.
The sensation this scarf imparted to my cheeks was intimately connected to my perception of a profound world of life—it was a precious remnant for me.
Now he was stealing that sensation and taking pleasure in it upon his slender cheeks.
I was frustrated.
So I glared fixedly at him.
Then I felt the smooth flesh of his cheek touch mine.
I leapt up in surprise.

In that instant, the most meticulous deliberation sprang into action within my head, and a plan for revenge formed instantly.
So I composed myself resolutely.

I called the waitress who had brought black tea to his table.
And I said that I had a brief errand to go out for, but since I’d return right away, to have black tea prepared and ready.

When I went outside, I charged into the cold wind and entered a nearby hat shop. There I bought a fedora identical to his and rushed back again.

When I reached the café’s entrance, my breath came in heaves. I stood there awhile to steady it. Then I stuffed the hunting cap into my sleeve, pulled the fedora low over my eyes, and strode calmly inside.

Upon entering the room, some jagged thing softly grazed the tension in my heart. My tightly wound strength drained away somewhere. Dazed, I hung my head and collapsed into my seat.

At that moment, he mocked me.
While wrinkling the corners of his mouth and slightly revealing white teeth between his lips, he fixed a base, contemptuous gaze upon me.
I felt intense humiliation and resentment.
But I had no choice but to offer myself—powerless, head hung low—as a sacrifice before him.

What a state I was in!
I had finally been ensnared in his web of deception.
There was nothing I could do anymore.

I had known from the beginning that there was a deep hole within him.
I saw something flowing from where he fixed his gaze and entering into that hole.
I now know clearly.
It was the soul of things.
In this manner, he had sucked out the souls of everything that existed in my world.
He had even sucked out the sensation of my cheeks.
And now he was trying to suck out and lick my soul as well.
This insatiably devouring hole—this dark abyss whose depths stretched into infinite space—was now steadily trying to suck me in.

All that remained for me now was a flat, soulless husk—nothing but the hard shell of reality.
And now only my soul remains—naked, trembling, and utterly alone.
But before my soul is sucked into that dark abyss without a bottom, I will not let this pass without making a final struggle against him.
I still have this resolute will within me.

On the following Tuesday, I went to the café with a single weapon.
It was that he didn’t smoke.

At that moment, I felt as though I were casting myself into the very heart of an open sea.

I bought two cigars on the way.
I stowed one in my sleeve.
And when I stood before the café, I lit one.

I steadily tightened my lower abdomen and clenched my fist.
Then I drew in deeply on the cigar I had firmly inserted between the fingers of my right hand.
While blowing out that smoke, I pushed open the door.

There, I saw that he had already come and was sitting quietly.

I strode briskly forward just like that and stood by his side.
He turned around and stared fixedly up at me.
This is it, I thought.
I mustered all my strength and pretended to be utterly composed.
And I said.

“You don’t smoke, do you!”

At that moment, my eyes were glaring fiercely at him.
Even so, he answered slowly.

“I dislike tobacco.”

What a strange voice that was!
It was like a broad wind flowing along the ground.
As I pursued the traces of that voice—vanished so oddly vacantly—something soft seized my entire body.
And it tried to smoothly lift me into the air.
Lifting me up, it now attempted to drop me into the depths at a dizzying speed.

At that moment, he abruptly stood up.
And he stared fixedly at me.
I couldn’t do anything about it.
My entire body was bound by something soft.
And his terrifying eyes pierced countless tiny needles into my heart with a relentless prickling.

At that moment, I firmly planted my foot down.
Something glinted sharply in my mind.
I clenched my fist and struck the table once with force.
Then, the thing that was holding me suddenly slackened.
“Damn it!”
“Damn it!” I shouted.
And then, just like that, I ran out.

The pulse inside me suddenly stopped.
And my head hardened like a heavy stone.

I returned home and hid the small dagger from my room in my breast.
And then I immediately dashed out.
At that moment, the figure of my mother standing in the tearoom fleetingly caught my eye.

Without even realizing it myself, I immediately charged into the café.
And I threw myself into my seat at the round table as if collapsing.

Everything was hollow.
And my head, which had been like a hard stone, gradually began to loosen.
There was a heavy, dizzying pain in the back of my head.
Every joint in my skeleton slackened, and I felt as though I might slump heavily into collapse.

At that moment, the waitress stood in the far corner watching me.
"Hey!" I shouted.
"And make it hot—bring me a coffee," I said.

However, somehow I felt as though I had lost hold of myself.
And a strange emptiness was coiled in my chest.
At that moment, when I absentmindedly slipped my left hand into my breast, something hard touched.

A jolting sound ran through my entire body.
With a start, a sharp consciousness returned to me.
For an instant, his gaze floated before me.
And vanished.
I tightly gripped the dagger within my breast.
Everything became clear to me.

No sound or voice.
It was nothing but motionless silence.
And my consciousness seeped through all things.
There was neither light nor shadow—only a profound brightness.
That brightness strained with all its might.
It would permit nothing.
With eyes wide open, everything crept in relentlessly.
My willpower was concentrated within it.
I gripped the dagger tightly with both hands, held my breath, and trembled violently as every muscle in my body shook.

—I will smash that bastard into smithereens.

What powerful tension this was!
I couldn’t allow myself to stay still like this.
Something was about to tear apart, about to split open.
Straight on—yes, straight on—I had no choice but to charge directly at him.
That bastard stood blocking my path.
My soul writhed, unable to draw breath.
All I could do was slam into him with every ounce of my strength.

—I waited for Friday.
I simply waited motionlessly.

Around that time during the day, my life grew increasingly thin.
A hollow emptiness—as if I’d been ripped from a dream—and a sickly chill filled me.
Then I simply lay with my body inside the kotatsu.
My life had drained entirely into the night.

At night, I clenched both hands tightly.
And fixed my eyes steadily on one spot.
Yet I neither saw nor heard anything at all.
My heart, taut like a bowstring, compelled me to do so.
Sometimes muscles somewhere would twitch spasmodically.

I simply had to remain like that.
So even when Mother came or the maid came, I immediately drove them away and stayed alone in my room.

Everything was inevitable.
There was nothing to think about at all.
There was nothing but the fact that it inevitably had to be done.
I was staring fixedly at that fact.

—On Friday night, I left home with a feeling as though I were in the depths of water.
I firmly tucked the dagger into my inner breast.
After leaving the house, when I suddenly turned back, the lattice door I was sure I had closed was slightly ajar by two or three inches.
I slammed it shut with a clatter, putting all my strength into it.

I headed straight for the Café.
I stretched my neck slightly forward and walked, peering at the intangible amidst light and shadow.
Nothing tangible entered my vision.
And I walked powerfully yet without making a single footstep.

When I stood before the Café, I stared fixedly at the door with all my might.
Then, all by itself, the door slid smoothly open.
I committed myself fully, then took my seat and waited for him.

Everything inside me had hardened.
And with all my strength, I was facing forward.
At that moment, I felt a large shadow behind me staring intently at me.
But I could no longer turn back.
There was nothing I could do.
I struck my own forehead powerfully with my fist.
A sound like striking a massive rock rang out.

I tried drinking whiskey.
Because the maid was standing there staring at me, when I shouted "Quiet!" she withdrew inside.

I didn't know how much time had passed.
At that moment, some large entity momentarily halted its movement.
Everything was inhaling deeply.
A profound silence rushed through.
Don't move.
I mustn't move a single finger.

I knew clearly now.
And so I stared at the door without blinking.
He entered soundlessly and smoothly.
He paused for a moment, then suddenly fixed his eyes on me.

A large, powerful thing seized me.
He continued to stare fixedly at me as he advanced straight toward me.
And those eyes were trying to pull me forcefully toward him.

I abruptly stood up.
At that moment, a rustling sound echoed through my head.
I fixed my eyes steadily on his chest.
Something swept through.
I gripped the dagger in my right hand.
The blade was jet-black.
I thrust it into his chest with all my strength.
The blade slid through—deeper and deeper without end.
And I fell headfirst, deeper and deeper…….

……Someone was calling me from a distant place.
A pale glimmer of light appeared.
I walked toward it—and suddenly, I encountered something.
And I raised my face.

I had been lying face down on the table.
By my side sat that man.
When he saw I had raised my face, he gently grasped my hand.

Tears began to fall from me unbidden.
I was happy.
I gripped his hand tightly in return.
Then more tears fell.
I was happy.

I was in the depths.
Everything was alive and moving.
Within the enveloping blue brightness, many warm souls melted and flowed into one great life.
The two of us were there.
My heart melted into that great flow of life.
A sorrow both prayerful and suffocating……
Hot tears were falling from my eyes.

At that moment, a bottle of wine and two glasses had been placed before me.
He filled the glass for me.

I downed the red wine in one gulp.
He downed it in one gulp too.
Then, in silence, we drank repeatedly many times.

That was the moment.
He suddenly burst into loud laughter.
That laughter reverberated inside my head.
And laughter burst out from my throat on its own.
We, forgetting ourselves, continued our convulsive uproarious laughter in unison.

When the laughter subsided, I couldn’t remain still as I was.
Everything was carrying me along with an invisible force, relentlessly.

“Come on, let’s go!” I said.

“Let’s go!” he answered.

Everything was clear to us.
He paid the bill.
And we went outside.

Something bright was blown into my heart. When I looked up at the sky, stars were shining brilliantly, flying into my warm chest. I wanted to clasp the sky and earth tightly to my heart’s content. Everything was mine. And everything awaited an embrace of love that would make my tears flow. I flung my body upward there.

At that moment, he gazed at me with desolate eyes, unblinking. I nearly pulled him into my arms. Then suddenly, I felt the dagger against my breast.

I felt a mysterious exultation in that moment. So I abruptly took his hand. And through my kimono, I made him grasp the sheath of the dagger.

He recoiled sharply. And he stared piercingly into my eyes. He suddenly uttered a loud cry. And then he dashed away at full speed.

I stood there dazedly.
A large black wing grazed past my heart and flew away.
A crashing sound of something breaking echoed inside my head.

I frantically ran out.

When I opened the lattice door and entered, I collapsed there in a heap.
Mother herself prepared the bedding for me.
I sank into a coma within it.

Inside my head, stars were twinkling brilliantly.
Countless stars gathered in one place and swirled into a vortex.
A pale white shape floated into view beyond, and before long, a café room was constructed there.
But there was no one there anymore.
And it was already very far away from me.

The next day, a doctor came.
"I told him it was severe neurasthenia."
"Is that so?" he said.

After the doctor left, my mother sat at my bedside and stared intently at me.
Her gaze was cold and probing.
She was steadily trying to see through my soul.

“Mother! You mustn’t look at me like that,” I said.

At that moment, a single tear slipped from Mother’s eye.
It was truly a clear, shining jewel.
It seeped messily into the knee of the meisen kimono.
I suddenly raised myself up, took the pale blue thin glass dish filled with small-cut apples, and placed it on Mother’s lap.
Just then, another tear plopped down and shattered in the dish.

At that moment, Mother smiled beautifully with eyes full of tears.
And so I, too, involuntarily smiled.
Then I became profoundly calm.

I was still extremely fatigued.
Mother said, “You shouldn’t go outside for a while.”
And so I always shut myself in my room.
I didn’t want to go anywhere anymore.

At that time, I began documenting my memories of the man who had gone far away.
That was an extremely important matter.
At first I found no fault with it, yet rewrote it many times over.
Gradually I came to feel truth was being lost and artifice was growing.
Yet paradoxically, this made it feel all the more precious to me.

One day Mother said she wanted to read it.
Since Father's death I'd hidden nothing from Mother.
So I showed her.
When she finished reading, her eyes brimmed with tears as she said, "You should put this away and not look at it for some time."
I saw Mother's soul trembling and weeping within those tears.
So I resolved to store it in the ornamental box.
It was an old gold maki-e piece that had always been in our house.

I placed what I had written inside the ornamental box and fastened the lock.
It was an excellent lock.
A metallic clang rang out.

The sound reverberated deep within my heart.
And it wrung my soul.
I threw myself down there and cried.
While pressing tightly on my chest with both hands, I writhed in agony.
I truly couldn't do anything about it.

Eventually, I got up.
And while shedding tears, I placed that ornamental box at the center of the tokonoma.
While gazing at it, I spent some time blankly thinking about something.

――I hadn’t known anything at all.
And still I remained motionless in this room.
Now there was something descending from the distant sky, whispering secretly within my breast.
I must remain still.
And I must remain with a heart as if in prayer.