Pathway to Japanese Literature

Automobile Paint Bomb

This consisted of a small ball about the size of a ping-pong ball filled with a generous amount of special red paint that shattered immediately when struck against something.

Made portable, you could safely conceal four or five in your pocket.

The intended purpose was that during rainy weather, when an automobile came splashing mud down a narrow road despite its width, even if you warned them by saying "Watch out!", if the driver did not heed you, you had no choice but to hurl this at the automobile's flank.

When this occurred, the red paint immediately smeared messily across the automobile's surface. Though the startled driver attempted frantically to wipe it away, it stubbornly refused to budge—the defining characteristic of this new type of paint.

Should anyone wish to cleanly remove this red paint, unless they visited whoever had thrown it and obtained solvent from them directly, it would never disappear.
At that point came vigorous squeezing of money from drivers' wallets.

Through repeated application of this system, drivers became absolutely compelled to cease splashing mud upon pedestrians.

(Paint balls: 5 sen each.
Paint remover: 26 sen per bottle (estimated).)

Safe Gambling Device

Portable type.
Approximately the size of a Golden Bat box.
There was an entrance on one side and an exit on the other.
The use of this device was limited solely to the user; allowing others to operate it was strictly prohibited.
(If they forcibly attempted to use it, they would get caught.)

First, one would insert fifty sen into the entrance.
Next, one would press the button located at the exit.

When this occurred, money would come jingling out from the exit.

However, at times, inserting fifty sen might yield five yen, or there might be instances where not even one sen came out.

At times one may insert fifty sen and have fifty sen come out; in various instances, it was truly a gambling device.

At the moment one thought, "Now then, time for lunch!", they would first insert fifty sen into this device and press the button.

If fifty sen came out from the exit, one would have lunch; if three yen came out, one would invite Ami and treat her.
If only ten sen emerged, they would gnaw upon egg bread; should misfortune bring not even one sen forth, one would adopt the dignity of a samurai polishing a toothpick despite an empty stomach, thereby obtaining pleasure in savoring the evening meal.

When this device was bestowed upon gambling maniacs, it enabled them to escape all manner of misfortunes and unfilial deeds that had hitherto arisen; moreover, that it would bring about domestic harmony was as clear as day.

(The price per unit of this device was estimated at 1 yen and 70 sen.
However, it was deemed advisable to initially invest twenty yen for charging.)

Animal Power Generator

When equipped with one unit, this device could ignite a cigarette heater; with two units power a desk lamp; and with fifteen units operate an electric stove.

Its structure was cage-type with circular track,
somewhat resembling subway tunnel.
The usage method was thus: place feline subject within; extend dual conductive filaments from frontal transparent cellulose partition; affix said filaments upon mandibular region of posterior-positioned specimen.

Next, a single mouse was to be placed before said celluloid plate. When this occurred, the cat would dash through the track within its subway tunnel-like cage by virtue of its mousing instincts, while the mouse—now thoroughly terrified—would take the lead and flee headlong ahead.

However, since the cage's interior had been fitted with an ebonite ceiling, each time the cat raced through it, friction between its fur and this ebonite surface would generate negative electricity across the ceiling while producing positive electricity along the cat's back.

Therefore, this electricity shall be conducted outside the device and utilized.

When using the device, the crucial precaution shall be not to err in the order of inserting the cat and the mouse; should one place the mouse first and subsequently insert the cat from behind, this device may incur malfunctions.

(Price of this device: 75 sen.
Cats: 5 sen each; mice: 16 sen each.)

Novel Water Pump

This invention bore the name 'water pump,' but was not the uneconomical sort found on the market.
It required absolutely no expenditure.
For instance, while operating a motor would incur electricity costs, this invention's distinguishing feature lay in requiring no power expenses whatsoever.

Namely, when humans spoke, their mouths moved and nearby muscles contracted and expanded.
This motion was channeled through a separate apparatus to generate electricity, which then powered the motor to pump water.

The most efficient humans for installing this device were women.
To put it simply, the more of a chatterbox one was, the greater the amount of electricity generated became, and consequently, the motor operated more effectively.
When such women - beginning with your esteemed wife - were kept constantly available in several numbers, the power generation became exceedingly abundant; thus, using this solely for water pumping left a surplus.
At that time, if utilized for heating bathwater, it became even more economical.

During women's discussion meetings or lecture sessions, it was used to illuminate electric lights.
Even in a quite large venue, it guaranteed that sufficient illumination could be achieved.

(This product is estimated at 3 yen and 40 sen per set.
The rubber requires periodic replacement.
(Rubber: 20 sen per unit.))

House Mite Launcher

This invention consisted of a pocket-type container for housing house mites and a small dropper attached to one end; when pressing the dropper with a fingertip, it stealthily launched mites from the container's tip, thereby infesting the target.

The device had various applications, but to cite one or two examples: in its most common usage, when encountering an installment-plan tailor by the roadside, one would launch [mites] at his collar. While he droned out excuses to prolong the interaction, the house mites would have sufficiently bitten into his neck muscles. Consequently, overcome by itching, he ultimately became unable to persist in demanding installment payments - whereupon we would seize this opportunity to vanish like mist into the clouds.

House mites - alternatively dubbed Ero-mushi ("Lust Bugs") - preferentially bit soft tissue areas, occasionally causing such intense itching that victims developed massive febrile swellings(?) persisting for hours. Considering this property, they could be employed as a rejuvenation therapy: enhancing vitality in healthy individuals while promoting harmonious relations through shared suffering.

(The selling price of this device was set at fifteen yen per unit, with half thereof required to be remitted to the national government as tax.)
Refill house mites: 10 mites per tube – 10 sen, 50 mites per tube – 40 sen, 100 mites – 70 sen.
Furthermore, economy cans containing 1,000 or 2,000 mites were also produced.)

Method to Prevent Ticket Folding

This method worked by having tickets excrete foul-smelling mucus reminiscent of a weasel's last-ditch stink when folded against regulations. The mucus was designed such that once adhering to fingers or similar surfaces, the stench could not be removed unless approximately one week had passed - thereby preventing ticket folding.

This pertained to an invention devised by a certain conductor from a certain municipal tram company.
Humankind proved itself an ill-mannered lot; though passengers received tickets and commuter passes in exchange for fares upon boarding trains - despite repeated admonitions of "Please do not fold these" - upon disembarking there emerged those who twisted their tickets into scroll-like cylinders through incessant rolling motions alongside others who folded theirs into booger-sized wads compressed beyond further creasing capabilities - all conspiring thereby to induce significant administrative congestion during ticket inspections.

No matter how much warning was given, passengers would not comply, hence this inventive method was provided. When this method was adopted, divine punishment would strike instantly, and passengers would reflect upon their actions.

(This invention grants usage rights at five thousand yen per entity to either one Electricity Bureau, one electric railway company, or one bus company.)

[Addendum] Though it had been an elaborately conceived invention, authorities realized the objective could be smoothly achieved by simply increasing ticket thickness - such as remanufacturing them as cardboard akin to Ministry Railway tickets - whereupon this method was regrettably adopted by no electric railway or bus company whatsoever.

Electric Shock Cannon

“So you’re the one they call the Invention Boy, I presume?” said the Minister of the Navy.

“Yes,”
“I’ve invented something called an Electric Shock Cannon, so I offer it to the state.”

“Well now, where did you bring that?” said the Minister of the Navy.

“The actual device was too heavy, so I brought diagrams on paper.”

“Double ring formation?”

“Correct. The lower formation represents the fleet, the upper one the air squadron. When they approach, we swiftly aim the Electric Shock Cannon. Press one button—a flash of purple lightning! Two thick pillars of light emerge. One shoots straight upward; the other plunges into enemy ranks. Then poof! Yellow smoke billows up, and in that instant, ships and soldiers alike turn to smoke scattering through the air—the true sky burial... That’s all there is to it.”

“What on earth is that?” said the Minister of the Navy.

“In other words, this is the Electric Shock Cannon. The purple light pillar rising from the cannon into the sky is an ionization column designed to conduct electricity from the intense electric ceiling—the Heaviside layer—above down below. Through this mechanism, intense electricity descends from the ceiling. No sooner does it descend than it channels another purple ionization column plunged into enemy ranks, concentrating on their ships and aircraft. In other words, the intense electricity from the Heaviside layer showers down upon the enemy forces. What defense could hold against this? The ships, planes, and enemy soldiers all suffer massive electrocution, instantly turning into wisps of incandescent smoke...”

“Ah, that’s quite enough.”

Shortwave Killing Cannon

“So, what’s your plan then?” said the Minister of the Army.

"What I intend to present stems from my observation of the marked difference in height between our soldiers and enemy combatants."
“Ours average about 1.6 meters while theirs stand at two meters.”

“Hmph.”

“Therefore, I shall construct an intense radio wave generator,”
“In other words, it’s a type of transmitter, you see.”
“As for the wavelength of these generated radio waves—you see—I’ll set it to the shortwave that’s all the rage these days.”
“And when I say shortwave, I mean shortwave—I’ll set it to two meters.”

“Hmm, hmm.”

“When this two-meter ultrashort radio wave collides with enemy forces, fierce electrical oscillations get generated.”
“When enemy soldiers are struck by these radio waves, their bodies get instantly enveloped in intense electrical oscillations—first thing to go are their hearts.”
“They receive an intense stimulus like being wrung tight, making their hearts stop immediately.”
“With this—total victory!”

“Hmm, that’s an interesting idea, but is there any danger to our soldiers?” said the Minister of the Army.

“That’s perfectly safe. As I just explained, our soldiers are 1.6 meters tall—they don’t reach the required two meters—so even if they’re exposed to those radio waves, no electrical oscillations will occur, making it perfectly safe.”

“Very well,” said the Minister of the Army. “Enough!”

“However, please hold back lanky tall ones like Dewa-dake from deployment.”
“Otherwise...”

“Enough—stop your blathering!” said the Minister of the Army.

Yangtze River Blockade Machine

“Wait a moment,” said the Company President. “I’m the president of an ice company. Asking me to make weapons—that’s an impossible demand, I tell you!”

“Thinking like that is beastly... I-I mean, pure shortsightedness!” retorted the Invention Boy. “It can be done! Absolutely! If only you’d show some patriotic spirit! If you refuse, I’ll rig your whole factory with my clockwork poison gas device!”

“W-w-wait please! I’ve nothing to do with that...”

“Very well. The president’s spirit was clearly visible down to the very tip of his appendix. I’ll start over from the beginning. Are you following? We’ll block off that Yangtze River’s mouth. Then that enormous volume of water will no longer be able to flow into the sea. Once that happens, they’ll surrender immediately.”

“I simply can’t make sense of this.”

“You do understand this principle, don’t you? There was that incident when a great flood spread across eight hundred ri of the Yangtze River basin and caused tremendous damage—you recall this historical precedent? We intend to unleash a catastrophe ten—no, twenty times more devastating than that! Once that entire basin becomes submerged under water, they’ll find conducting warfare utterly impossible.”

“That’s an ingenious concept,” said the Company President, “but damming the Yangtze’s estuary—could such an immense engineering feat truly be achievable?”

“That’s precisely where this plan shines.”
“Follow me now.”
“You outfit large steamships with massive ice-making machinery at their core.”
“Specifically rigged so any water touching their hulls flash-freezes instantly.”
“Build these ships en masse—with you donating all equipment to the state—then deploy them to Yangtze’s mouth for an ice blockade echoing historic naval closures.”
“Your legacy would tower over all others!”

“That’s all well and good, but how many steamships would we actually need?” said the Company President.

“Let’s start with two hundred ships... Hey now! No fainting allowed.”
“Wake up.”

Non-Injurious Torture Device

“So you’re the one they call the Invention Boy?”

“That’s correct, sir. Now then, this invention of mine is truly most convenient—I earnestly entreat you to make this purchase. Heh heh.”

“We’ll discuss purchasing later—display the item at once.”

“Well then... this is it.”
“This chain belt moves continuously, so...”
“It’s similar to that chain belt running over tank wheels.”

“What’s this fluttering thing attached to the chain?” said the Minister of Home Affairs.

“These are all hawk feathers.”

“What about the hawk feathers?” said the Minister of Home Affairs.

“This tickles the soles of the criminal’s feet.”
“First you tie the criminal to a chair and make them take off their socks.”
“Then you set up this device beneath those feet.”
“When the machine starts operating—since the chain belt forms a loop—the feathers will keep tickling the soles of the criminal’s feet indefinitely.”
“Eventually they’ll laugh themselves into agonized confession.”
“Naturally, this interrogation method leaves absolutely no injuries.”

“This is rather handy,” said the Minister of Home Affairs, “but I won’t purchase it as a torture device. Come up with some more legitimate-sounding designation for it.”

Passenger Absorption System

“I know your name, but aren’t these inventions all worthless trash?”

“That’s pure slander! Let me immediately present everything I want you to purchase—you can judge whether they’re worthless yourself. Behold—this ‘Passenger Absorption System’.”

“What’s this ‘Passenger Absorption System’? The name sounds rather grand. How does it work?”

“We perforate the tickets.”

“Hmm, perforations...”

“That’s all there is to it. Passengers who purchase tickets tear off half the ticket at the perforation and store it. The amount is written on it. They accumulate them.”

“Accumulate? And what’s the point of accumulating them?”

“Once they accumulate beyond a fixed amount, you refund passengers an amount equivalent to ten percent of their total ticket purchases up to that point.”

“That’s impossible.”

“And we wouldn’t pay that in cash, but rather in railway travel vouchers.”
“So passengers who receive them can use those tickets to take unexpected trips without paying fare.”

“Ah, indeed,” said the Minister of Railways.

“That’s why passenger numbers will increase. They’ll stop fare-dodging and, since it’s entertaining, start properly purchasing full-line tickets. The Ministry of Railways’ revenue will grow substantially, making that ten percent ticket refund no burden at all... How does that strike you?”

“Interesting. Let’s implement it.”
“Thank you very much.”

“Huh?! If you’ve decided to buy it, then pay up.”

“That’s merely an idea, not an invention.”
“An invention must involve industrial machinery.”

“It does involve machinery. Here—the essential ticket perforator for the system.”
“It punches holes with extreme speed, completeness, and precision.”
“I’ll install it dirt cheap for you—go on, take it.”

Iron Stamp

“People bring all sorts of inventions here, but there’s never been a single interesting one.”
“You—spit it out quick and get out of here.”

“Ah! How about this?”
“What’s that?”
“This is an iron stamp.”

“Iron stamp?” said the Minister of Communications.
“The Iron Stamp’s far too heavy for delivery work.”

“That’s where your understanding’s lacking.”
“Using the Iron Stamp lets you make deliveries in one-tenth the usual time.”

“Don’t go spinning such tall tales.”

“It’s true! This isn’t some tall tale! In other words, you affix this Iron Stamp to postcards, see? When delivering them, postal workers use sidecar-equipped motorcycles to make their rounds. Moreover, this vehicle comes equipped with a device called the Machine Gun-Style Mail Launcher. When you yank the trigger hard, you can stay right there on the street while the mail gets launched and flies all the way to distant doorways.”

“You’ve really outdone yourself with this ‘machine gun-style’ concept. But if the mail hits doorways and scatters down in a mess, that’d cause service complaints—problematic. On rainy days, it’d be inexcusable if the bromides Turkey sent got all mud-spattered. If I were resented by young girls, that’d be rough for me.”

“Oh, it’s perfectly safe. You attach magnetic mailboxes to doorways. A large magnet dangles down. The postcards launched from delivery vehicles—since they bear Iron Stamps—fly toward doorways and snap firmly against these magnets without falling to the ground. With this system, we’ll achieve blistering speeds akin to Shanghai’s street battles...”

“Hey, someone! Slap a ‘Communications Affairs’ stamp right on this person’s forehead and send them back to their residence!”

Dedicated to Those Afflicted with Chronic Busyness

Thousand-Armed Device

“Well now, I’m swamped with work myself,” said the Secretary.
“But if I may be blunt—your name’s Notorious! You’re notorious for never bringing anything decent! Are you aware of this reputation?”

“Too busy for explanations,” retorted the Invention Boy.
“First—observe the product.”

“What’s this? A prosthetic hand!”
“Now, don’t misunderstand.”
“I have two proper hands right here.”

“Even with three hands, they say you’d still be too busy to manage...”
“This prosthetic hand is meant for attaching to busy people who already have two hands.”
“Try fastening one on for now.”

“Good heavens!” said the Secretary.

“Then hold the telephone receiver with your left hand, write down the caller’s message on paper with the pencil gripped in your right hand… and then use the prosthetic hand to scrub vigorously at the thinning crown of your head.”

“This is peculiar… Kindly leave behind four or five units.”

Alarm Wristwatch

“What the...”
“It’s just a wristwatch.”
“Not to mention its bulky anti-modern design... You don’t read Modern Japan regularly, do you?”

“Thank you ever so much... This large model functions as an alarm, you see...”

“The alarm serves no purpose.”

“It’s not that it lacks purpose—it’s overflowing with it! Are you aware that a five-minute daytime nap can revive a dying patient?”

“You’re lying!”

“It’s absolutely true. Even by conservative estimates, you’d suddenly regain your vigor, and after napping, your work would proceed smoothly. I would recommend taking such naps, but what you absolutely cannot do without then is this alarm-equipped wristwatch. As an alarm, it’s exceptionally compact and portable, with a bell whose ringing tone strikes just the right balance—neither too loud nor too soft. It won’t reach the executives’ ears, yet remains fully capable of rousing yourself from sleep. You could set up ledgers at your desk to hide behind while using it, or perhaps utilize those brief moments during your train commute before transferring lines...”

“Alright alright I get it.”
“I’ll buy one on installments.”

“Oh God!
They’re selling well today…”

Ultraviolet Ray-Generating Bed

"Invention Boy: 'Are you acquainted with the proverb that declares life begins at sixty...?'"

“Hmm… Don’t know… Is that really true…?”

“It is indeed true. There was a man named Cao Zong of Wei who...”

“Cao Zong...”
“I know about that one...”

“Ah, was he your esteemed close friend?”
“I must apologize for my presumption,” he said with a crisp bow, “though in truth this stems from what Mr. Cao Zong is said to have declared... For a gentleman such as yourself, sir, life truly begins from this moment onward.”

“Heh heh heh.”

“However, sir, you’re lacking one essential condition.”

“What...?”

“To put it plainly—Mr. Cao Zong always lived outdoors and bathed his entire body in ample ultraviolet rays, which kept him in perfect health.”
“Yet you never step outside or expose yourself to sunlight.”
“This simply won’t do now.”

“I’ve heard that story before.
However, with how busy I am serving as an executive for fifteen companies, such a thing is utterly impossible.”

“Not at all, sir. You have plenty of it, sir.”

“There isn’t! Don’t you know how busy I am?”

“Very well, permit me to explain,” said the Invention Boy. “Sir, when you retire nightly—might you be engaged in work during those hours?” “Of course not—you stretch out at leisure.” “The time I reference is precisely that period.” “There must be five or six hours at minimum.” “...This is where we install that ultraviolet ray generator within the bed.” “Though a specialized bed, employing it for sleep allows nightly exposure at optimal intervals—the rays striking your form until robustness develops unnoticed, all without temporal loss...”

Corporate Executive: “Hmm, that’s a splendid idea.
“Let us purchase that ultraviolet ray-generating bed you mentioned.
“What’s the price per unit?”

“Oh ho ho, thank you most kindly… Well now, it’s a tad pricey—200 yen per unit.”

Corporate Executive: “Two hundred yen proves cheap if life begins at sixty! Very well—have fifteen units delivered posthaste.”

Invention Boy: “Fifteen units?
“But sir… whatever could require such quantity…?”

Corporate Executive: “I shall present them to the gentlemen of the Saitō Cabinet.”

Collection of Genuine Novel Inventions

Truth proved stranger than fiction.
Might there not exist genuine inventions yet more marvelous than these castles-in-the-air contrivances? Thus did we resolve to excerpt several specimens from bulletins issued by the Ministry of Commerce and Industry Patent Bureau for your enlightened consideration.
Let no syllable escape your scrutiny; may you meditate upon each phrase with sacerdotal devotion.

The Invention of Pachinko

Showa 2 (1927) Utility Model Gazette No. 11677 (Class 15, Subclass 5: Crossbows and Target Shooting Toys) — Applicant: Tateishi, Honda Village, Tokyo Prefecture, Mr. X田X次郎.

When examining what was termed the "Scope of Claims," the structural description of pachinko stood recorded in the following stiff bureaucratic prose.

As shown in the drawings: grooves (10)(10) were installed at the upper ends of support rods (1)(1); both ends of a rubber strip were inserted therein and fastened with wood screws (9)(9); holes were drilled in the support rods; both ends of an axle (5)—which loosely passed through a hollow rotor (6) engraved with linear grooves (7)—were pressed into said holes; and the structure was completed by clamping [the assembly] between both support rods (1)(1), thereby forming the "Pachinko" apparatus.

In this way, even Pachinko proves no less than an august apparatus, I must say.

The Invention of the Sweet Potato Roaster

Showa 5 (1930) Utility Model Gazette No. 8834 (Class 96, Subclass 9: Miscellaneous Food and Beverage Manufacturing Machines) — Applicant: Fukibari, X-sumi Town, Yamagata City, Mr. X Nagahide I.

The 'Effects and Efficacy' section of this sweet potato roaster constitutes such a literary masterpiece that its contents prove utterly bewitching to esteemed ladies—compelling them to dash off to roasted potato vendors after but a single reading.
Namely:――

Effects and Efficacy

This proposed device, having the aforementioned structure, places raw sweet potatoes on the wire mesh surface of the heating plate to first partially steam-roast them, then removes these, cuts them appropriately, sprinkles salt, places them on a perforated plate, and fully steam-roasts them.
Furthermore, raw sweet potatoes are to be replaced on the wire mesh surface.
The sweet potatoes thus fully steamed and roasted are removed by taking off the lid and are to be kept constantly warm in the insulation chamber attached to said lid.

Through the aforementioned means, not only did this prevent scorching of the sweet potatoes (though I personally prefer them slightly charred) and enable steam-roasting, but by performing said steam-roasting twice in succession, the salt permeated most effectively (truly unbearable!), while additionally, through the provision of an insulation chamber in the lid, one was prevented from letting them cool after roasting, thereby possessing effects such as enabling constant heat retention.

“Ladies and gentlemen, how are your stomachs faring?”

The Invention of the Dual-Purpose Livestock Toilet

Showa 2 (1927) Utility Model Gazette No. 4294 (Class 75, Subclass 5: Livestock Toilets) — Applicant: Eijūchō, Yotsuya Ward, Mr. X清.

The excrement of livestock and the aesthetic-sanitary problems of cities—this was a headache for everyone.
Thus was this invention born.

As seen in the diagram, the urination side featured a funnel-shaped receptacle that, in the case of cows, was positioned at an appropriate location to catch waste from below.

When relieving itself with a gush, [the waste] fell into this funnel-shaped receptacle, passed through the pipe extending from the bottom, and flowed into the tank.
Therefore, beautiful roads remained unsoiled, and there was no concern about the ground being torn up.

As for defecation, when one pulled the handle protruding forward toward the arrow with a squeak, through the crank's ingenious motion, the feces receptacle attached to the tip of the shrimp-curved pipe spun around, extended appropriately downward, and received the feces.

The received waste materials rolled clattering down the thick pipe and entered the tank, so Mr. Livestock would hear the lingeringly elegant acoustic resonance from afar.

Some might worry that the handle wouldn't be in time, but there was no need for concern with this one.
This was because when livestock needed to relieve themselves, they first came to an abrupt halt; if one promptly pulled the handle at that moment, there would be ample time.

——a truly splendid mechanism indeed.
Thus, Mr. Livestock would end up hauling their own produce around all day long.

Now then, even this hard-earned invention had lost all efficacy in today’s world where oxcarts and horse carts were being phased out by trucks, reduced to nothing more than manuscript fodder.