Pathway to Japanese Literature

I Suddenly, as a faint dream vanished, white flowers were scattering by the window. I felt the lingering throbbing—startled by something—quietly fading from my heart in the same manner. "Were they cherry blossoms?" I wondered. There came grating sounds of pen tips being thrust into inkwells and hurried rustling of notebook pages being turned. "...Thus Heraclitus fundamentally denied permanent substance, and since he established that the world's truth must reside in becoming, this engendered fierce debate with the Eleatic School that inherited Xenophanes' ideas—yet he steadfastly maintained his doctrine of *panta rhei* ('all things flow')..."

The heavy, modulated volume of Professor H’s voice pleasantly struck my eardrum. At the very moment my attention was about to focus on the professor’s words, suddenly, the countless heads that had been clinging flat to the desks like frogs began bobbing up and down. The entire classroom let out one great sigh, and then raucous coughs and the scuffling of wooden clogs and shoes beneath desks began to clamor disorderly. Though Professor H still appeared to be moving his mouth, his voice no longer reached my ears as I sat in the back row.

The lecture had reached a natural pause. Professor H had just finished a preliminary section before embarking on this session’s main topic: Heraclitus’s “Logos.” There were those wiping faces with handkerchiefs. There were some hurriedly adding to notes after asking someone nearby about parts they had missed. There were those silently reading half-written “notebooks,” making corrections or pressing down with blotting paper.

“How do you write the character for ‘constancy’ in ‘flux and constancy’?” The man sitting in front of me was whispering this to his neighbor. The questioned man set down his pen, pulled a pencil from his pocket, and wrote “恒常” at the top of his “notebook.”

“Yeah, right, right.” “You don’t even know this character? What a moron.” While saying this, he turned the pencil upside down and vigorously scrubbed away the character.

My “notebook” was spread open, but not a single line was written. I was supposed to attend Professor H’s lecture as attentively as possible—or so I thought.

Before long, Professor H stood up from his chair and gave a quiet cough. At this, all the heads bowed down onto their desks in unison. And now, like soldiers awaiting the order to charge, they poised their pen tips, and the room’s air unified into a single held breath. Gradually, as Professor H’s faint voice began to escape his lips, the countless pen tips that had been lying in wait started rustling into motion like a loom.

I sat up straight, stretched my back, and without even blinking, vacantly gazed at Professor H’s face. It was a bench wide enough to seat three or four people per row, but since they kept crowding forward toward the front, I ended up sitting completely alone in the very last row. Before my eyes lay something like a flat watermelon field; since not a single head was protruding, keeping still like that allowed me to see straight through to the lectern.

Professor H’s gaze seemed to have abruptly settled on my face, but I— Feeling *No way…*, I kept staring fixedly without moving a muscle. My head was merely light and aimless, as if chasing some rambling dream. The center of my head felt as if it were swaying in a gentle breeze and faintly floating. “The fundamental principle of fire” “The constancy of flux” “Divine providence”—such words seemed to flicker disjointedly across my mind, only to vanish like wind trailing backward, leaving behind nothing but the same vague white illusions swaying gently as before. All the while, Professor H’s calm voice faintly reached me from beyond the curtain, as though it were an accompaniment to my foolish dream.

For a while, I remained dazed in that posture; whether it was due to anxiety or not, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Professor H’s eyes were fixed on me reproachfully, so I had no choice but to lower my head into the shadow cast by the back of the person in front. So, I thought I should at least try to take some notes and picked up my pen, but not a single line of the lecture’s content remained written down. What a foolish head I have. When I thought that, I felt a strange impatience and began tapping rhythmically on my forehead.

“Quiet!”

From the front, such a voice came.

Before I knew it, my pen tip was on the “notebook,” drawing circles, sketching continuous triangles, outlining pyramids and meticulously shading them. “Hey!” “Hey!” “What are you doing?” “What an idiot!”

Having said that, someone poked my thigh, so I raised my head in surprise.

“You’re just napping away! I’ve been watching from over there for a while now, but your napping’s been driving me crazy………” I hadn’t noticed when he had arrived, but there was Yamamura, sitting beside me and whispering in an indignant tone.

“Shall we leave?” I said. “Hey, wait a second. Let’s calm down and listen a bit more. Today’s part is really interesting.” “Anyway, let’s get out of here.” “What an impudent guy,” said Yamamura as he closed his notebook. “Alright, let’s go.” Our immediate right was the door. I had chosen this seat in most cases to prepare for my capricious fits where I would often become unable to remain absorbed midway through lectures.—So, having ascertained the moment the professor turned toward the blackboard, I stealthily slipped out through the door. I had been waiting for Yamamura to come while loitering in the corner of the corridor, but when I peeked through the glass window and saw Professor H continuing his lecture while facing forward, lingering there began to feel awkward, so while thinking of waiting on the schoolyard lawn, I muffled my footsteps and descended the stairs.

On the lawn, students were scattered here and there—some lying sprawled out, others huddled in circles engrossed in idle chatter. I sat cross-legged among them, gazing up at the second-floor classroom window I had just fled from. The sky stretched clear and azure without a single cloud, the soft spring sunlight melting seamlessly into every earthly thing below. Yamamura showed no sign of emerging anytime soon. Unable to bear it any longer, I stood up— “Tch!” I clicked my tongue and began walking.—Should I go to Teruko’s house? Or just head straight back to Uncle’s place like this? Turning these thoughts over in my mind...

“Which should I choose?” With the feeling of consulting the I Ching in my heart, I slowly exited through the school gate. Every morning, it was my habit to check my fortune using the newspaper’s Nine Star divination, but that day I realized I had forgotten to look. So I promptly bought three newspapers at the school gate. The Five Yellow was unfavorable in every paper I checked—nothing but warnings like “exercise restraint in all matters” and “inauspicious for financial or marital discussions.” Whenever my fortune turned bad, I made it a point to scorn such things and pay them no mind. Yet since I was someone who grew so discouraged over such trifles, this time too my mind couldn’t help being strangely conflicted.

I decided to go to Eishinkan, Yamamura’s nearby boarding house. Since I was on good terms with both the front desk and the maids there, there was no issue with me entering Yamamura’s room alone.

I folded a zabuton cushion into quarters and used it as a pillow to gaze at the ceiling.—Five or six cigarette filters had been thrown and stuck to the ceiling.—Until now, I had never noticed such things…… I thought. "I wonder if Yamamura did this prank out of sheer boredom?" When I thought that, I couldn’t help but find it hilarious. —But I, after smoking the cigarette halfway, extinguished the ember, tore open one end of the paper, moistened it with saliva—then pinched it vertically between my fingertips and hurled it with force toward the ceiling.

I had before I knew it become utterly absorbed, throwing the filter again and again, but not a single one stuck properly. "So today really is a bad day after all!" That thought had even occurred to me. Yet I kept trying persistently with repeated thuds. "If I could just get one to stick properly, that would be enough," I thought. ——"If it just wouldn’t stick no matter what, maybe I should use a stepping stool and paste it to the ceiling myself?" I even found myself considering such ideas. While thinking these thoughts and staring fixedly at the ceiling as if devising some plan, Yamamura returned, so I sat up cross-legged.

“Professor H’s lectures are really fascinating.” “I ended up listening all the way to the end.” “What the—how rude!” “Wasn’t I stuck without another chance to slip away, and aren’t you getting all worked up over it?” “I thought, and waited with considerable effort, but…”

Though I had said that, I felt it would have been better if Yamamura had returned a bit later—— My mind was still mostly clinging to the cigarette filters. “Haven’t you shown your face for a while?” “What on earth have you been doing?” “Me?” I muttered, as if it were only now dawning on me. At my casually spoken words, which had unexpectedly given me the bearing of someone who’d turned over a new leaf, Yamamura looked as if he were wondering whether I’d stirred up some new trouble again. He raised his anxious-looking eyes as if to say something and watched my face.

“I’ve finally ended up getting sick.” Grimacing, I said in a deliberately playful tone.

“Huh! Really?” “I’m completely worn out.” I had tried to put on as bold a front as possible, but my chest tightened with a feeble heart that whispered how utterly soiled my entire body had become. “I see.” Yamamura fell silent like someone pondering what gesture of friendship to offer here—he seemed to weigh his response. “But this’ll clear up soon, right?” “Well, curing it isn’t a problem—”

Yamamura had contracted the same “bad illness” as I had—and much earlier at that. “In other words, that recent incident—that’s undoubtedly the cause, right?” Yamamura continued.

It was about two months ago that I first went with Yamamura to a certain backstreet pleasure quarter. Yamamura, feeling responsible, never again tried to invite me after that, but about ten days ago, in a state of great excitement, I practically clung to him until he finally accompanied me for a second time.

“I managed to deceive my aunt’s household and decided to stay with my uncle in Fukagawa for the time being. After all, that Teruko—if she were to find out, it’d be a real hassle.” “Ah, that cousin of yours—right, if that person finds out, we’d be in trouble.” “Honestly, that one’s nothing but trouble. Having nothing but this absurdly strong vanity—even just thinking about it lately makes me shudder.” Because I had inadvertently spoken harshly, Yamamura made a slightly uncomfortable face.

“Hasn’t she gotten married yet?” Even though I thought attacking Teruko now would be pointless, “If she’d just hurry up and marry someone already, what a relief that’d be—though I doubt there’s anyone who’d take her.” “She apparently had some man until recently who claimed to be an Imperial University student.” “When she went to the countryside for ten days not long ago, the neighbors started rumors she’d gone to have a baby—though of course that was just gossip.” The words kept tumbling out almost effortlessly.

“You’re squabbling like fools again.” “When people stick together nonstop, they end up seeing every last flaw in each other—that’s just how it goes. —Anyway, what about your illness?”

“Since my uncle’s house is a doctor’s, I’m even thinking of buttering up the assistant to get treated in secret.”

“Do you really think that’s possible?” “…………” I’d been instructed by Yamamura about precise precautions concerning medication and diet—he’d said recovery was assured if I just followed those—so having resolved to strictly observe at least that much, I felt somewhat relieved. Yamamura and I left Eishinkan as dusk approached. “You must take great care with that—walking is most ill-advised.”

“Seems so.” “Even now I still feel worn out somehow. My walking must look a bit strange.”

While discussing such things, the two of them were crossing the athletic field. On the athletic field, a great many students were still drenched in sweat and vigorously practicing their sports. There was also a group wearing tiger-striped shirts kicking footballs that looked like muskmelons. There were also those running frantically around the perimeter of the athletic field all by themselves. There were also others holding frightfully long poles who nimbly leaped up. In the far corner stood someone who had climbed a hill slope alone and was shouting something at the top of their voice without pause.

“Is walking this much really all right?” “Of course it’s not ideal, but since we walked so quietly all this way, it can’t be too bad.”

We walked all the way to Kagurazaka before we knew it. Street vendors were gradually spreading out their goods. We entered a small Western-style restaurant with a signboard girl named O-Keichan and drank beer. I cautiously brought the cup to my lips and gingerly pretended to take a sip.

2

Uncle was said to be out on a house call. Sudō from the pharmacy had gone to Asakusa to see a moving picture, it was said. In the back parlor, Fukuyama the assistant, Mimura the nurse, Tada who worked as a housekeeper, and Seto—an inpatient and stockbroker’s clerk—were gathered playing cards.

(Uncle was a bachelor.) I had designated the eight-tatami room on the second floor as a shared study for both of us. I had stolen sandalwood oil and capsules from the pharmacy and was opening the capsule lids one by one on the desk.

Below the window flowed the swamp-like water of the Onagi River. It was a quiet evening when the sound of rudders from Daruma boats floating on that water occasionally echoed. “Are you there, Mr. Junsō?” Mimura’s voice came from downstairs. “There’s a phone call from a Mr. Yamamura.” I hurriedly hid the items on the desk in the drawer and went to the phone. Yamamura said he had come thinking I was still at my aunt’s house in Horidome. “I’m waiting in the standing area at Meiji-za—come right away,” he said. “There’s something I want to talk about,” he said.

I said, “Let’s go to my aunt’s house and talk,” and accompanied Yamamura out of the standing area.

“Where did you go after we parted in Kagurazaka the other night?” Yamamura’s tone was so sharp that I became the one feeling discomfort. Stop spouting nonsense! That’s what I thought. “You’re doing nothing but lying to me.” “Lying?” I instinctively widened my eyes.

“Lies!” Yamamura said, turning away. “Did you hear something from Teruko?”

“…………” I felt my chest pounding with nervous excitement. I couldn’t very well explain my foolish feelings. To Yamamura, I hadn’t particularly told any lies, but given that my mind was elsewhere like this, even if I now confessed that everything I had been telling Teruko was a lie, it would have been pointless. First, even if what I told Teruko were lies, given that I am now saying things for which Yamamura criticizes me, the fact that it diverged so greatly from what I usually told Yamamura about Teruko meant that the degree of my inferior character could never earn Yamamura’s forgiveness.

“Am I going to drift apart from this man too, bit by bit, like this?”

When I thought that, I felt lonely. By nature, I was someone who couldn’t maintain close friends. At first, I would make a big fuss and earnestly try to get along, but before I knew it, I would end up drifting away from my friends. And it wasn’t that I was the one pulling away—usually it was the others who saw through my hollow cheerfulness and flightiness, my lack of depth in character, ideas, or lifestyle; how I prattled on about shallow things or played the overwrought sentimentalist swayed by flimsy emotions—there being nothing more to me than that. Anyone would lose patience with me, as was always the case. On top of that, everything I did was utterly affected and disagreeable, and it was all so terribly wretched.

Since it was still before dinner, I had been thinking of eating somewhere with Yamamura, but I thought it would be foolish to invite him when he was so clearly annoyed with me. If he wants to get angry, let him rage all he likes—I’m already worn out. Let him slap my face or do whatever; he should just hurry home. More than anything, I’m starving and can’t be bothered to talk… I thought of nothing but these things.

“You’re living such an empty life—how does it not torment you?” “I hate you for your own sake.” “As for myself, I never intend to hate you.” “To put it this bluntly may be rude, but personally, I can’t even find anything in you worth hating.” “It’s just that I’m asking you to reflect more on yourself.”

“……” I thought I ought to feel grateful for Yamamura’s kindness. But try as I might, Yamamura’s words failed to reach my heart—I only ended up feeling disheartened instead. I wondered if after living such a superficial life, my emotions had grown so dull that I could no longer grasp even the slightest complexity in how feelings interacted. “You…,” Yamamura said again. I felt a flicker of curiosity.

“What kind of ideal did you have when you decided to take up literature?” With that, Yamamura let slip a smile for the first time. I, too, could only force a wry smile. As we walked along the bustling Ningyocho Street that ran alongside the tram line toward Kodenmacho, we came to the corner where we would turn to my aunt’s house. I thought Yamamura would probably leave by now.

“Shall we drop by?” I said, stopping.

“Well?” Yamamura stood vacantly watching the streetcar—I had grown not to want to see Teruko. “Why don’t we drop by for a moment?”

“There’s no point in dropping by.”

“Well, I actually haven’t eaten yet—won’t you join me somewhere?” “I don’t feel like drinking today… Well then, let’s part ways here.” No sooner had he said this than Yamamura strode off briskly back the way we had come, without waiting for my reply. A feeling of anxiety arose—that he might have seen through my heart—but try as I might, I couldn’t help but feel truly irritated. I entered my aunt’s house as if running.

“Did you come from Fukagawa, Mr. Junsō?” With that, my aunt looked up at my face. “Did Teruko go?”

“Is that so!” “Well, I took a little detour—we probably just missed each other.” “But around what time did she leave?” “Around six... perhaps?”

“Then that’s strange, isn’t it? Teruko left before three o’clock. Since you were feeling unwell and lying down, she said she’d come check on you… So, has that girl told another lie?” “That can’t be the case—though it’s true I’ve been bedridden with a cold these past few days. Yamamura came by earlier, didn’t he?”

“No.”

I found myself slightly disoriented. After dealing perfunctorily with my aunt, I hurriedly turned back. Yamamura and Teruko must have met along the way; even so, what could Teruko have told Yamamura? This thought was unbearably preoccupying me.

Teruko was on the second floor，leaning against my desk with the shoji opened wide，vacantly gazing down at the water． “Did you meet Yamamura earlier？” I asked immediately． “Yes，I met him．” Teruko kept a straight face as if to say，“So what？” “Teruko，what did you tell Yamamura about me？” “What？ I wouldn’t say anything about you—there’s nothing to say anyway．”

“But he was absolutely fuming.” “I got thoroughly chewed out by Yamamura—all thanks to you, Teruko.”

“Why would I?” “That’s quite strange, isn’t it?—Mr. Yamamura is such an absurd person.” “I’ve been completely worn out today myself.” “He says such strange things.—And that guy acts all high-and-mighty, going on about what Dostoevsky said or whether I’ve read Madame Bovary, like he thinks I’m some kind of literary schoolgirl. People who talk like that don’t understand Dostoevsky at all.” Teruko, having apparently been deeply offended by something, paid no heed to my questions and instead blustered on self-importantly, spouting such foolish nonsense.

“What the hell are you spouting off about? You’re the one who’s a far bigger fool!” I could no longer bear it and venomously blurted out. When I suddenly noticed, there was a Pocket Whiskey bottle sitting on Teruko’s lap. “Teruko, did you drink this stuff?” I was so startled that I inadvertently asked in that manner. “I drank it—took it out from Junsō’s desk drawer and drank it.”

I wondered with a start—had my “secret medicine” been discovered? Even if it had been seen, there was no way Teruko could know what the medicine was for—if she asked, I’d just brush it off by saying it was for my stomach… Such were the thoughts that flashed through my mind in that instant. “Junsō, how are you feeling?” “Haven’t you developed quite the sophisticated illness?” “Oh, you already know?” “How did you find out?” “Why? I heard it all from Mr. Yamamura.” “This person—all talk and yet surprisingly timid, isn’t he?”

I had no choice but to force a laugh—“Ha ha ha...”—pretending not to care. But I— “Yamamura’s such a strange man too,” I couldn’t help muttering. “Did you think you could hide this from me, Junsō? You’re the far more absurd one here.”

Teruko, now in high spirits, let slip a smile that seemed to say she might even take care of any trouble at all—if one were to remove their helmet and come forth. “I told Mr. Yamamura—‘Lately he’s gotten himself such a gorgeous lover and become utterly ecstatic, so a bit of moxibustion like that should do him good!’ But Mr. Yamamura still doesn’t know about your delightful little secret, does he, Junsō?”

“Of course I wouldn’t—it’s not like I’m you, Teruko. Do you think I’d carelessly blather such spiteful things to others?” Having said that, I felt such shame that I wanted to blow my own body away somewhere—cleanly, like snuffing out a candle’s flame. Despite fabricating whatever nonsense came to mind before Teruko to project this petty bravado—as though convincing myself I were some refined soul—the reality was that I’d behaved with a childishness not even reaching Yamamura’s toenails. And yet, imagining Yamamura’s indignation after hearing about me from Teruko, as if I’d been keeping secrets from him, struck me as utterly absurd. Even though it was a seed I myself had sown, I was too much of a fool to even laugh.

“By the way, Junsō!” Teruko said, her tone shifting abruptly from its earlier jesting manner to something sober.

“You understand Uncle well, don’t you?” I said and winked. “Of course I understand that—it’s precisely because I do that I’ve come here in the first place.” Still clinging to my earlier feelings, I said such a thing. From the beginning, I had told Teruko and the others that, but in truth, I had moved here for the exact circumstances I had explained to Yamamura.

Uncle Ryōzō had exhibited signs of madness about a month prior. Since we had become aware of it, this was his third episode of madness. We had deceived others into thinking he was simply a man with poor drinking habits, but to us it was clear this wasn’t the case. In his daily life—especially toward others—he remained exceedingly amiable and pleasant, so even those at the clinic had yet to notice. The number of patients only continued to grow. When I saw that, I felt a strange sensation. A kind doctor—that he became a pure psychiatric patient in places unseen by others... When I thought this, I felt a theatrical terror.

“It’s strange, isn’t it? Even if we’re careful—he can still pass as a proper doctor.” “Just like a stage play!” “They say that madness runs in your family’s bloodline, Junsō.” “Now that you mention it—there’s something odd about you too. Do be careful! I’d hate it if you went mad—I’d…”

“If I’m to go mad, I’d rather become something ferocious.” “A fearsome thing that can’t tell day from night—that’s what I’ll be.” “And when that happens, first thing I’ll do is kill you, Teruko.”

Whenever I talked with Teruko，I always found myself slipping into a dissolute mood. The more serious Teruko became，the more my mind would skitter away—it became a habit. “We’re relieved you’ve come here for us，but truly，we’re counting on you to handle Uncle’s affairs.” “But you know，if I don’t come see Mother at least once a day，she won’t be satisfied.”

I found conversing with Teruko like this tedious. If only Uncle Ryōzō would return soon—such were my thoughts. “That said—where did you go the other night? You’re still unrepentant even in that state.” “It’ll lead to something dreadful before long!” Despite Teruko’s feelings being so directly agitated, I—swelling with preposterous conceit that this one must be jealous, imagining I’d been off enjoying myself alone—put on a deliberately suggestive smirk and forced a laugh meant to convey precisely that.

“Once this mood passes, Uncle’s illness will be cured—just endure a little longer,” Teruko said—or so it seemed—before her face twisted into a truly reckless expression. With a *gulp*, she tipped the whiskey bottle to her lips and chugged it down, then collapsed onto the tatami and began to weep quietly. “It’s all my fault Uncle ended up like this.” Suddenly, Teruko said such a thing. When she said that, all sorts of things came to mind for me as well.— I was terribly shocked, but—

“What nonsense are you spouting? Quit fooling around already,” I said in a tone that was neither comforting nor mocking—deliberately high-handed—while making my own thoroughly unjust observation: how you’re so determined to cast yourself as the protagonist at every turn. And yet, I was driven by a vague jealousy.—Teruko, beside my knee, was breathing in labored, panting breaths. Then she suddenly raised her face again,

“Mr. Yamamura’s also been driven completely out of his mind because of me.” “Even I can’t help feeling terribly sorry, but…” she said. I stood up violently and, leaning against the window, looked down at the river. The lights of the anchored ships flickered faintly in the depths of the pale mist. ……“Serves you right,” I thought. Of course, being suspicious and petty, I spun my arbitrary imaginings and—within that tiny delusion—conducted a self-serving dissection, attempting to mock Teruko unrestrainedly. …Damn her, spouting all these high-minded words—but wait, now that I think of it, Yamamura once showed me his self-written novel… Suddenly struck by this thought, I felt a strange pleasure. “All of Junsō’s friends are just unsophisticated country bumpkins who take after him.” “First off, that closest friend of yours, Mr. Yamamura—just looking at him, he’s such a tacky, repellent guy.” “I really hate that school,” and so on—Teruko had always thoroughly despised everything around me.

If Teruko were being toyed with by Yamamura exactly as she appeared in that novel—and since Yamamura was a man who claimed never to invent fictional matters, this must indeed be factual—what exquisite satisfaction that would bring, I thought. I felt an urge to rush straight to Yamamura’s place this very instant and heap praises upon him.

“Oh ho! “Well, that’s the first I’ve heard of that!” “That’s quite a predicament we’ve found ourselves in, isn’t it?...” I deliberately shook my head with exaggerated motions, abruptly thrusting my face close to Teruko’s nose. “Take a good look, damn you,” I muttered inwardly.

“What are you saying?!” “Junsō!” Teruko shifted her demeanor and glared piercingly at me. Her voice carried a cold edge sharp enough to make me stiffen. “Why must your mind be so warped?”

When she said that, I misinterpreted being called "twisted" as praise—as if she'd recognized some exceptional capability in me—and with my slack mouth contorted exaggeratedly into what I imagined to be the smirk of a whimsically sardonic man, I laughed, "Well, Miss Teru's prestige sure is something! Ha ha ha!" But even I grew disgusted watching myself cling to these worthless, foolish emotions like an idiot obsessively blowing at a rotating lantern. However insensitive Teruko might be, subjected to such persistent, misguided feelings paired with these artless words, she couldn't possibly have remained silent.

“This isn’t a joke.—We’re not in as carefree a situation as you think, Junsō.”

“You’re the one who should reconsider a bit.” “This is no time for you to be getting conceited.” “What’s this? For a woman, guzzling down that stuff—and not even out of true recklessness, just putting on airs, acting like there’s an audience to entertain.” I felt the lines slip off my tongue with an almost refreshing crispness. I myself felt a kind of amusement as if staging a theatrical performance. “Quit screwing around with me!” “Damn you! Do you think I have time to be shocked by every little thing…? I’m not even talking about you, Teruko…” As I got carried away and rambled on, suddenly a lukewarm object collided with my cheek with a squelching sound. Staggering and dazed, I nearly fell over.

“Idiot! Idiot!” “Ugh! Quit screwing around!”

Teruko let out a wail as she cried and lunged to grab my face and head—then scratched my face to shreds, leaving no eyes or nose intact. At the same time, a suffocatingly sweet scent unceremoniously enveloped my entire body. “Hey now! If you want to throw your tantrum, go ahead and throw it all you like—I won’t lay a hand on you, so calm down and do as you please… But pitiful you—you’ve gone completely mad yourself.” I muttered such things inwardly while half-opening my eyes, intending to still shine with an ironic gaze, and sneered mockingly.

III

The momentary scene remained vividly imprinted behind my eyelids, but finding it too utterly foolish, I cast aside the discomfort as it was and kept my eyes snapped wide open—not even allowing the bitter smile in my gut to surface at the corners of my mouth. —I had my eyes open, grazing the pale wall. My head had rolled off the pillow. The area around my neck was terribly constricted and painful. The area around my mouth was sticky. I must have been sleeping slack-jawed, drooling.—After all, when I awoke, it had been a horribly unpleasant dream. There was a time when I often had such experiences, but I’d thought myself fortunate to have gone so long without those unwholesome dreams—yet now, without warning, the woman in this dream turned out to be Teruko, and with its shockingly explicit imagery, I broke into a cold sweat from shame and flew into an unbearable fury.

I took the towel by my pillow and wiped away the sinister sweat that had oozed from my sides down to my spine.

A dim, ten-candlepower electric light was lit right above my head. ——What time could it be? I wondered, and when I dug out the clock buried under my pillow to check, its mainspring had run out, the minute hand neatly stopped at 3:20.——So how many hours had I slept? And what time was it now?... Half-dreaming, I stared vacantly at the electric light’s glow, thoughts drifting without anchor.

"What has happened to Uncle?" When I thought this, an anxiety arose within me as though my chest were being clawed apart.

On the surface, it appeared as though I were attending to Uncle, but my presence by his side ended up exacerbating his condition.

During this period, I would go out every night with Uncle when evening came. And so, we became equally drunk. Contrary to expectations, it was I who would throw troublesome tantrums when drunk and even take the lead in dragging us into places like Yoshiwara. At the Susaki embankment, there were times when both of us collapsed from drunkenness and came to our senses at dawn. ……Even to me, it was not entirely clear just how much madness my uncle would display.

By day, my uncle would usually be perfectly fine. And so he would energetically go on house calls and write prescriptions as usual. Therefore no one outside of us knew about Uncle’s illness. Could it be that Uncle possessed some special means to blind others’ eyes?—Thinking this, I felt an eerie shudder.

Having spent night after night like that, my lymph nodes had become thoroughly swollen. Cowardly as I was, I panicked and asked Teruko to have me admitted to this S Hospital about a week ago. I had entrusted Uncle’s care to Teruko and was determined to properly recuperate this time.

The previous evening, I had gone to see Uncle out of boredom, but since Teruko had not yet arrived, the two of us ended up going out together. “What on earth do Teruko and the others take me for? It’s so irritating how they tiptoe around me like I’m some kind of madman.”

“After all, you’re the only one on my side.”

When Uncle said such things to me, I felt a strange sort of happiness—or so it seemed. However, this evening, having refrained from drinking out of concern for my body, I could observe those minute details that made one think, “Ah, I see—” “Speaking of ‘nighttime madman,’ it sounds like it could be the title of some new play—but Uncle here truly lives up to being a nighttime madman.” Teruko had once said something like that too, and I found myself thinking “Ah, I see” all over again.

By the time we reached Azumabashi on the one-sen steamer, the sun had set. Accompanying me as I kept sipping nothing but beer, Uncle bar-hopped through three or four small bars. I grew terrified. Had I carelessly tried to stop him, he might have flown into a terrible rage. He suggested we enter a motion picture show, but upon going in, immediately declared this place boring and said we should try the neighboring one. At Denkikan, they were showing a detective drama called *Fantômas*, which he said looked somewhat interesting, so we watched it for about an hour.

After wandering around fishing ponds, ball-rolling games, shooting galleries, and the like, we slipped into the dubious backstreet of *Jūnikai-shita*.

“When that woman Teruko isn’t around, I feel utterly cleansed.” “Somehow it feels like I’ve been cast out into some radiant space.”

“What does it matter—whether Teruko is here or not shouldn’t be an issue?” Every time Uncle mentioned Teruko，I couldn’t help feeling a strange sense of envy toward her. Could what Teruko said actually be true? That was why I thought so.

“That woman really has no enemies.”

“It’s no joke—Uncle, you’re already completely drunk.” “Though that guy’s so excessively loud and talkative—it’s unbearable.” “He just has to stick his nose into everything others do—it’s so meddlesome I can’t stand it.”

“No—that’s not what I meant. Well, never mind. You’re still a child, so you don’t know anything.” While discussing such things, we circled round and round through the noisy yet gloomy alley.

There was a sound of knocking on the door. I responded. “What?!” “Teruko?” I averted my gaze disinterestedly but felt unbearably awkward. Certainly, the woman I had seen in the dream was Teruko.

“Ah, that was creepy.” Teruko, who had tossed a light paper package onto my legs, said in an oddly fidgety manner, “That alley over there is quite frightening.” “Why?”

Teruko, without replying, took off her coat and adjusted her collar, still not having sat down on a chair. I had already largely guessed what Teruko was about to say and was growing impatient—though I had absolutely no interest in whatever she was trying to tell me, I couldn’t stand her manner of putting on airs with nothing but preamble—or so my furrowed brow seemed to say. “What is it?” I spat out. “What do you mean ‘what’? I’m already sick of it.” Teruko remained calmly composed, still oblivious to my feelings.

“If there’s no need to tell me, then stop muttering to yourself in front of me.” “It’s already started—and here I went to the trouble of coming all this way.” “What’s so creepy about it?!” I shouted. “That alley over there could stand to be a bit brighter.—But you know what? I’ve gotten so sick of it.” “From inside the train, there was this guy who kept staring so intently at people’s faces—I thought he was really strange. Then when I got off right there, didn’t he come down too? And then he followed me all the way here! And in the train car, he even tried to quietly grab my hand.”

My nerves had been rattling gratingly even before Teruko arrived, already frayed. I turned sideways and bit my lip. "That man, you know, was actually quite a handsome college student." "If that's the case, then it's not creepy at all—you might even want to tempt him yourself." Though I thought No way I'm going to respond, I couldn't hold back and let out this venomous retort. "It's no joke—it's not like I'm Junsō or anything..." Teruko finally settled into a chair, laughing as she did so.

“You can just go home and talk to your mother about that sort of thing.”

I picked up the magazine and gazed at the frontispiece. Of course, I suspected Teruko was either exaggerating the matter beyond recognition or that it was an outright fabrication. Still, I couldn’t help feeling a twisted admiration for her grotesque capacity to chatter away with such brazenly skillful affectation.

“I brought you flowers. Aren’t they pretty? Carnations.” “Staring at such things isn’t exactly a mark of sophisticated illness.” “Well, that may be true—but doesn’t arranging them like this make it somewhat more presentable?” As she spoke, Teruko placed the bundle of flowers into a cup and set it on the windowsill.

“Ridiculous,” I said. “How absurd—just a bit.”

I felt somewhat pleasantly calmed.

“What time is it now?”

“Half past six.”

I checked the time, momentarily at loose ends. If it was past six, then I had slept through the entire day. When I wondered whether I wouldn’t sleep tonight either, I felt more uneasy than anything.

“Did you go to Fukagawa?” “I went to check this morning, but Uncle hasn’t come home since last night.” “But he’s probably back by now.”

My anxiety was shrouded in an even deeper shadow. I had never before witnessed my uncle’s ferocious madness to such an extent as I had the previous night. “Bring Teruko here right now—I want to grab that bastard’s cheeks with all my might!” Uncle had shouted such things. In the end, though I wasn’t drunk, I found myself staggering unsteadily and slipping into an easygoing state of mind as if my feelings had merged with Uncle’s. Urging that it was already late so we should go stay in Yoshiwara, I walked as if racing through dark back alleys.

“I don’t want to go to such an idiotic place.” “I’ll drink more sake.” Ryōzō said this but would not be swayed. Then he wrenched my arm free with all his might and dragged me into the maze-like alley of Yawata-shirazu, where I became utterly lost.

“It seems Uncle’s condition actually improves when you’re not around, Junsō.” “He even goes to bed early at night now—these days there’s hardly anything suspicious left about him.” “Our fretting only aggravates him, see? Last night he went out for once—how peculiar. I’ve quite stopped worrying about Uncle these days.”

Teruko was completely unaware that I had taken him out.

“Do you know if he’s safely back already?” “It’s fine—you’re just overthinking things, that’s the problem. When you were around, we couldn’t even tell who was the sick one, could we? Fussing over every little detail like that only makes this sort of illness worse.”

“Is that so…” “But if you’re concerned, I’ll call to check,” Teruko said, so I thought that if he was there, I would be saved. The more flippantly Teruko handled things, the more uneasy I became.

“He’s here—they say he’s properly back.” “An injured person was brought in, and they say he’s completely absorbed in treating them right now.” Teruko returned after making the call as if this were the expected outcome. I had rather considered his absence the natural state of affairs. When I thought about the previous night’s events, I couldn’t fathom how he could have sobered from such violent madness. I felt somehow outmaneuvered. It also occurred to me that Uncle might indeed be the half-hearted charlatan Teruko described—secretly laughing at us worriers from the pit of his belly. I even felt that in every regard, I myself remained far more dissolute than he.

“Uncle actually listens to what I say quite well now—it seems we’d been worrying too much all this time. When you see how suddenly quiet it became after Junsō left—why, even Mother was laughing and saying things like ‘It must’ve been Junsō’s fault all along.’” “Maybe so, I guess.” Unusually, I honestly accepted what Teruko said.

“Did someone come to visit?” “Who?” “Someone called… what’s their name?” “Ah, they come sometimes.” I told a lie I’d never even dreamed of. Even so, I’d nearly forgotten I’d made Teruko believe such nonsense—so thoroughly that it startled even me.

“But that’s strange, isn’t it? Since I come here often, shouldn’t we have run into each other occasionally?” “But that part’s been properly arranged—your visiting days are mostly fixed, aren’t they? Actually, they came last night too.” “Because they’d be embarrassed if I saw them.” “With that kind of stubborn pride, you’re impossible to handle,” I said with forced cheer, though by now I found this exchange unbearably tedious. Yet when I considered how persistently Teruko still fixated on such matters, I felt vaguely amused. Thinking this, I experienced a faint intoxication—as if I truly occupied such an enviable position.

“Liar!” Suddenly, Teruko blurted out as though shouting. “What the—coming and going as they please!”

My chest thudded. Even if someone had found out and told her—could Teruko possibly know everything about last night?! The thought struck me, but I immediately realized that since I'd have to confess eventually anyway, it wouldn't hurt to wait a bit longer and watch how things unfolded—so, "Ha ha... My mistake—I'll apologize, I'll apologize! Wouldn't want to ruin your mood, Teruko. Yes, truly inexcusable..." All while thinking: *What you're hung up on must be competitive jealousy. If that's how it is, then I'm the real winner here, apologizing like this.* I schemed to observe her mind while maintaining an air of composure.

“How cruel! If you get too full of yourself…”

“What exactly is it that you find so disagreeable?” I could no longer wait and asked.

“What exactly is wrong with you? It’s been quite some time already, hasn’t it?” Teruko asked with forced composure. “It’s still not improving—I’m completely worn out. Honestly, I’m nothing but a burden to you, Teruko, and to top it off, I keep making you worry.” Knowing that Teruko would typically brighten up at this sort of talk—dismissing concerns with “Why fuss over trifles? If there’s anything I can do, don’t hesitate”—I made sure to mutter with feigned contrition.

“Do you even realize that things aren’t going well?” Contrary to expectations, Teruko showed no sign of softening her stance. “Do you have to be so damn sharp about it? I don’t know what’s gotten under your skin, but wouldn’t it be better if you calmed down a bit and just told me straight? Huh?” “Enough with the jokes already.” “What?” “There’s no ‘what’ about it.” I could no longer get a handle on things. Even so, I could no longer endure Teruko’s unreasonably high-handed attitude—how she alone grasped my weaknesses, refused to clarify their extent to provoke my anxiety, and acted as though she were freely toying with me at will.

“Go home already—I feel sick!” I shouted. “I’ll go home—as much as you like.” “But enough of your selfishness! If you think I don’t know anything, you’re sorely mistaken.” “What… What is it?” The irritation from just a moment ago—still smoldering sullenly—was crushed, and I merely grumbled discontentedly under my breath.

“For someone who’s supposed to be a patient, where do you think you’re going every single night?” “You’re taking too much advantage of me staying quiet.”

Teruko’s anger, having reached its peak, suddenly transformed into a torrent of words. “You think no one will find out just because it’s night? Well, that’s not how it’s going to go.” “What on earth do you think you’re doing being hospitalized? With that attitude, you’ll never get better no matter how much time passes.” “Or else, if you’re already fine, then go home...” Teruko’s lips trembled. Despite having anticipated a slightly more decisive and well-aimed scolding, the unexpectedly tepid stream of words left me feeling vaguely unsatisfied.

In situations like jokes or idle mockery, she was exceptionally talkative by nature, yet when pressed seriously, became awkwardly inarticulate, just repeating the same phrases endlessly. What a simple woman, I thought. But I resolved to endure it a while longer. Perhaps she’d resolved to something dire in her gut—once this simple creature gave up, she’d become unmanageable. If she spitefully started chattering at home, that’d be irreparable… With such calculating concerns stifling my amusement, I kept rigidly solemn and silent. Truly, the sole reason I could remain hospitalized so effortlessly was Teruko’s doing.

However, the things I had worried about didn’t happen. Teruko’s accusations seemed to stem from her belief that despite my current state of deterioration, I was still sneaking out nightly to meet women or some such unnoticed—and that this alone was what she sought to condemn. If even the previous night’s matter hadn’t been known, I would have remained composed. If that were the case, it’d be rather amusing—I could just as well do the opposite and keep Teruko on edge or rile her up as much as I pleased.

In truth, when night came, I did go out of the hospital every night as usual—but of course, there was nowhere to go. To relieve my boredom, I went to listen to serialized kōdan performances at a nearby vaudeville hall. Having grown tired of that as well, I was only regretting having made a terrible mistake when I met my uncle for the first time the previous night. At times, I would put on a childish act of bravado—*What’s a little illness to fuss about?*—behaving with reckless indifference like that (though this time, of all times, I couldn’t afford to say such things in front of Teruko). But in truth, I was terribly timid and never once neglected my health. “No matter how much I warn you, if you neglect your health, I’ll have no choice but to refuse.” The fact that Teruko was startled by the doctor saying such things struck me as so absurd that I couldn’t even laugh.

“Then go ahead and tell Aunt or whoever! If that’s how it is, I’ll just do as I damn well please.” Having completely calmed down, I put on an exaggeratedly indignant expression and—since I thought being ordered around would be unbearable—deliberately said that as a precaution. “Well, I’m shocked—what a warped disposition,” she said. “When did I ever say I was giving you orders? What an unmanly overthinker you are.” The more I spouted bold statements, the more they produced the opposite effect.

“I’m not nearly as concerned about Aunt or my old man as you think.” “Well, you’re such a strange person…” said Teruko, clearly taken in by my act, as she let out a light laugh meant to placate me. Feeling rather pleased with myself, I put on an even more exaggerated sullen face, as if declaring I’d do anything if pushed too far. “Surely you’re not drinking alcohol?”

“――”

With the intention of silently conveying “Well, who knows? I’ll probably drink,” I kept quiet. Why would anyone care so much about such a detestable person?—I found myself thinking this way, unable to fathom the depth of Teruko’s goodwill. “Drinking and wandering about, and then…” Teruko gave a brief laugh. “...That’s the worst thing of all.” “Ah…” Provoked by Teruko’s words, I unintentionally let slip a sigh.

“It’s true.” “That’s right.” I answered without any real meaning behind it. Somehow I had slumped listlessly and now found even exchanging words to feel like too much trouble.

“For now, just stop going out, okay?”

“Hmm...” Before I knew it, I had been pulled into Teruko’s emotional current. I muttered faintly, as though on the brink of collapse. I found myself thinking how cleansing it would be if Teruko would just lay bare all her fragile truths—confessing until she felt secure—but assuming such a dramatically reversed demeanor struck me as too maudlin to attempt.

“Alright then, I’m going home now, okay? You absolutely must not go out anymore.” “Let’s have you call a rickshaw.” Teruko fidgeted restlessly and stood up as if declaring that if she were to leave, it had to be now.—I didn’t want to let her go. Even with Teruko staying, I’d mostly end up being made uncomfortable—but when I thought of spending a lonely, anxious night alone, manipulating her heart like a puppet still held far more interest. I pulled the cover over my head completely,

“Ahh… Ahh,” I let out such an exaggerated sigh that even I myself was slightly taken aback. Teruko was startled, “What’s wrong? “Huh?” “What’s that?” she said—a response that would normally have been delivered with a non-joking “I’m not kidding” sort of tone—but now, wanting to leave quickly, she skillfully compromised. “If you’re lonely, I can stay a bit longer.” “That’s not it.” I hurriedly blurted out. “You immediately jump to conclusions. What a fool.” “Then what is it?”

Since Teruko didn’t get angry, I found myself at a disadvantage instead. The medicine I’d taken earlier must have been too potent, I thought—

“Have you met Mr. Yamamura?” “As if I’d meet him! That’s the last of him.”

“Oh! So you don’t know that Mr. Yamamura is returning to his hometown tonight?” “I don’t know.” I was unwell, but I had no choice but to tell the truth as it was. “What’s this? For a friend—” Teruko wore a presumptuous smile, just as I had expected. She made it clear to me—that even your only friend had already betrayed you and joined my side, though I hardly deign to acknowledge him.

“And you see, last night Mr. Yamamura came to the house to bid farewell.” “So I have to go see him off to Ueno now.”

IV

Even I, who tried to despise everything Teruko said by contrasting it against my own heart, found upon thinking of my uncle and considering Yamamura this time that my suspicions had almost entirely missed their mark. Emotionally, I still maintained an unyielding will to oppose Teruko, but my rationality had already been subdued by her and remained lodged at the core of my chest.

I stopped and looked up at the sky. Stars were shining directly above my face. I had gone out intending to take a stroll around the town, but finding it too lonely to bear, I began making my way back to the hospital, utterly dispirited. The more I thought about Teruko, the uglier I felt myself becoming, so I resolved to banish all thoughts of her from my mind from that moment onward. When I did so, Teruko’s phantom vanished from my head without resistance, and I felt a refreshingly clear emotion welling up from the depths of my chest like a spring.

When I arrived in front of the hospital, there was a woman coming out of the entrance. It was Teruko. Generally, Teruko came every other day, and since she had to go to Fukagawa at night, she shouldn’t have come so often.

“Well, well…”

Teruko stared intently at my face. “Where did you go?” “I was too bored, so I went out for a bit—but then I realized I’d forgotten my wallet and came back to get it. Now I’ll head out again.” I was already telling lies of this sort. When I saw Teruko’s face, lies would flow out with utter naturalness. At these utterly dismissive, arrogant words of mine, Teruko flared up in anger, her lips quivering. “By the way, Teruko, what brings you here at this hour?” “Everything I told you last night was just empty words—when you’re not around to watch me, I’ll do as I damn well please,” I declared with exaggerated exasperation.

“Do as you please! I wash my hands of you!” Teruko stormed out through the gate.

“I’m sorry, really sorry! It was a joke—I wouldn’t go out for fun or anything…” Laughing with forced cheer, I chased after her while saying, “Now now, no need to get angry—do forgive me, won’t you?”

“Come to the house now.” Teruko stopped resolutely, as if she had resolved something in her heart. “I don’t want to.” “Come at once.” Teruko commanded. “I’ll have none of your opinions.” I felt a slight unease and put on my usual stern face as much as possible, but I could feel my strength draining away rapidly like a deflated balloon. “I’ll take care of informing the hospital, so just come to the house—” As if declaring she wouldn’t be fooled by such bluster, Teruko remained obstinate and refused to change her mind. For the first time, I became genuinely furious from the depths of my heart. Due to the shame of having the ugly tricks of my heart exposed in a single blow—shamelessly—my consciousness blazed with anger.

“Do whatever you want!” I shouted, suddenly tearing off my hat and smashing it against the ground with all my strength. I wanted to strip completely naked and hurl my entire being onto the earth. I broke into a mad dash.—The tears streaming unrestrained down my cheeks felt exhilarating.—At the same time, Teruko must have shouted something—though I couldn’t hear it—and came chasing after me.

“You’re insane!” Teruko’s voice—she had surely shouted this—rang in my ears. I stiffened, my fighting spirit crushed. I’ve failed… The thought came unbidden. My paroxysmal rage had already subsided, leaving me no choice but to keep running despite my reluctance. Before long, an intense pain surged through my left thigh joint—the leg had become utterly useless. Yet I couldn’t let Teruko catch me. I hopped desperately on one leg, each bounce a frantic escape. To steel myself during this wretched flight, I counted silently in my chest—one, two, three, four—issuing commands to my trembling limbs. In the deserted alley’s darkness, the gas lamp’s pallid flicker danced with each hop, its light refracting through my tear-blurred eyes like some Impressionist masterpiece—strangely beautiful.

“It’s no use.” When I could no longer move and had crouched down, Teruko—who had caught up—thumped my back heavily. I didn’t know where to look. I kept staring at the gas lamp’s light. “Idiot!” Teruko said. I turned to face her. Teruko’s eyes glistened with tears too. “You’re worse than Uncle,” Teruko laughed through her tears. Since this helped mask my own embarrassment, I laughed as well. We stood there wordlessly for what felt like ages. An unbearable awkwardness gripped me for no discernible reason.

“Crying now, are you?” As the silence grew awkward, I laughed again.

“Let’s walk a little,” Teruko said. My heart aligned perfectly with Teruko’s feelings. When I thought the gas lamp’s surroundings looked absurdly white, it turned out cherry blossoms had been blooming.

“Uncle was in a rare foul mood tonight for some reason—he wouldn’t listen to a word I said, so he ended up going out somewhere all by himself.” “Couldn’t you handle him?” “Even so…” “It’s not like I only listen to what you say, Teruko…” “No, that’s not what I meant… It’s just that I got a bit worked up—my bad…” Teruko laughed as if refraining from continuing further.

“Let’s walk back a bit to the hospital, shall we? Maybe I could even stay there with you.” “I’ll have none of that.” My voice came out absurdly loud as I refused, yet an oddly cheerful mood overtook me—I let out a refreshingly discordant laugh. Ha ha ha. Teruko looked faintly startled. “It’s no trouble at all—just accompanying you.” “But that’s strange.” A ticklish sort of pleasure crept through me. “Though you’re hardly the sort of patient who needs an escort, you know.”

“…………”

“Really, Jun-chan, you’re so exaggerated about everything, you know.” “If it were real, hospitalization wouldn’t even be warranted, you know.” “So you think it’s a fake illness?” “That might not be the case… but when it comes to Uncle’s illness, I can’t help feeling half of it might be fake.” “There’s no way something that absurd could exist—”

“Speaking of which, Jun-chan—where were you thinking of going earlier?” “Are you still going?”

"That's a lie. Teruko, you're worried I might still go to some shady place, but honestly, that's not happening at all. Even now, I just went out for a walk because I was too bored, but since that was boring too, I'd just come back." I ended up telling the truth after being inadvertently drawn into Teruko's rhythm, but Teruko—despite my still trying to continue speaking—

“Oh, so it was a lie? Not that I didn’t think it might be something like that, but honestly, I’ve been teasing you from the start, Jun-chan. Because if I act even a little worried, you get all full of yourself and start strutting around—I couldn’t help finding that hilarious.” She said this gleefully, dodging the issue.

I wasn’t the least bit surprised by something of this degree. Letting Teruko get carried away in this state and secretly tormenting her was all too easy.

“Uncle has quite a few similarities to you, you know. It’s always the timid, good-natured ones who turn out to be the most scheming and underhanded.” Teruko seemed convinced she’d delivered an exceptionally cutting provocation. I, too, thought about retaliating harshly without backing down—but for some reason, just then, no such interest welled up.

“I can’t bear walking any longer.” “Let’s call it a night and head back.”

“Oh, come on! You’re so spineless.” “It’s still early—let’s go see the livelier places.” “I’m hungry, you know—it’s still before dinner.” “If I were to let myself be swayed by such reckless words and worsen my condition, that would be unbearable,” I resolved to be cautious. Truly, walking had become too burdensome by now, so I remained silent with a bitter face. Teruko, paying no heed to me, gradually quickened her pace while muttering, “What a bitterly cold night,” then exaggeratedly clicked her lips with a “Brrr.” Excessively worried, I gently pressed my palm to my forehead to check.

"I think I'm running a bit of a fever." "There’s no way you have a fever. A little drink would chase those nerves away somewhere. ――If I'm with you, I'll even permit a sip or two." Teruko, having mistaken my quiet compliance for earnest listening, was needlessly putting on this barbaric display of bravado, but I found it too absurd to bother engaging. ――Before long, we found ourselves on a brightly lit street. I gazed at the advertising lamps flickering blue and red atop a distant roof, feeling some measure of relief.

Teruko said she wanted to eat eel. “I said it’s strictly off-limits.” “Then just watch from the side—it’s my treat anyway,” Teruko joked while taking the lead and entering the shop there. “I feel awkward if I don’t have a drink,” Teruko said. “Even if you get it, I won’t drink,” I firmly refused.

Teruko, ashamed that her face had turned red as they were leaving, pressed it with her sleeve and hurried out through the shop curtain with quick steps. I too displayed the same degree of drunkenness on my face. Coaxed by Teruko, I had ultimately drunk too much despite my grave concerns. "You're crimson—and from just that tiny amount?" Teruko gazed at my face and sneered, recalling how I typically boasted about seeming like a heavy drinker. Though I'd consumed nearly the same quantity as Teruko (I'm certain we left most of the second sake bottle unfinished), my intoxication was already more than sufficient. Teruko's face bore a faint flush where she'd thinned and spread her rouge, but this too had blurred faintly beneath her white powder, becoming scarcely noticeable.

“Immature drinkers who close their eyes and guzzle out of despair either end up sick on the ground or become mindlessly pliant—in short, those who can’t appreciate alcohol’s subtleties are such a mess you can’t feel anything for them.” “When someone like me drinks constantly, even a single *gō* of sake brings blissful euphoria, their heart...” Had I turned into Yamamura just now? Remembering how I’d been mocked that way before, I launched into a pompous lecture about that half-remembered, dubious slogan—stumbling over my clumsy tongue all the while—though inwardly I marveled at Teruko’s sheer audacity.

“More importantly, Teruko, how on earth did you manage to drink all that alcohol?” “I’m perfectly fine.” “Plus, lately I’ve been in this state of reckless abandon.” “There’s nothing but unpleasantness, and nothing goes the way I want… Sometimes I even think about just running away from home.” “Hey, hey—just because someone’s sitting here quietly listening doesn’t mean you can keep spouting such nauseating things. Cut it out, will you?” “Is that supposed to be some kind of lovey-dovey talk?” I was already woozy-drunk to the core, and only my mouth kept spouting such vulgar nonsense on its own.

“No—I’m not joking. I don’t know what’s come over me, but lately I’ve been seriously considering even such foolish things to the point of finding myself repulsive.” “This isn’t like you to say, but I tell you, I want to plunge into some senseless madness too.” What Teruko said didn’t seem false—indeed, having uttered this, she appeared wholly indifferent to any response from me, staring fixedly ahead without blinking. I found myself coerced into anxiety and jealousy. When I had made similar remarks jokingly before Teruko, I could never have maintained such collected composure.

“What’s wrong with me?—I tell you, there’s nothing more tedious than having someone pose questions like that to you. Quit spouting such pretentious crap.”

“After all, someone as shallow as you, Junsō, would never make for a proper conversation partner.”

“If you want to run away or whatever, go right ahead—I’m no use to you anyway.”

After that, Teruko stopped saying such things, but the shadow of anxiety continued to linger in my heart indefinitely. I was somehow enduring the throbbing pain in my thigh joints, but as the pain only intensified with each passing moment, I walked with a slight limp while taking care not to draw attention. When I did that, it was much more bearable.

“Junsō, are you really drunk?”

“Ah, I’m drunk.” I violently exhaled a boozy breath from the pit of my stomach. “Ah, feels great.” Maintaining my composure, I appeared grandly as one insatiably indulging in a rapturous dream alone. If I pretended my unsteady legs came from drunkenness, I thought I could skillfully conceal my limp.

“So, does Yamamura really not intend to come back?” Since Teruko had started talking about Yamamura, and I too had been thinking about him since the day before, I posed this question.

“He might not come back.” “To me, he left a rather decisive letter, you know.” “Of course I couldn’t tell you this, Junsō—” “I do feel sorry for him… but more than that—tonight, I’m far more concerned about Uncle.” Teruko spoke in detail about Ryōzō—

"It's okay—I've often had such worries too... It's okay, he'll come back tomorrow," I lightly comforted her, too preoccupied with my leg to give the matter proper attention. But Teruko only said, "My situation isn't the same as yours," before falling silent and hanging her head. And then, "Ugh, I hate this, I hate this." "How utterly, utterly boring," she muttered to herself. "Teruko, you're a bit drunk."

“I don’t care if I’m drunk or whatever.” I remained silent in a way that suggested I couldn’t do anything because I didn’t understand the nature of Teruko’s concern, and while mostly thinking about my own affairs, I walked a little ahead. Once we’d gone a bit further, I thought I’d hire a rickshaw and part ways with Teruko at an appropriate moment. At that moment, Teruko, who was walking behind me, suddenly giggled for some reason—as if she’d remembered something. I continued strolling leisurely, carelessly exhaling cigarette smoke.

“Ridiculous, ridiculous! How utterly unsightly you are.” Teruko, laughing obstinately without turning around, ran up to me as I tried to walk away nonchalantly and thumped my back. “Limp!” “Huh?!” Startled, I instinctively stared at Teruko’s face. In that single moment, my feelings were almost entirely hollow. Hurry up and laugh it off already… I sensed this whisper within my chest. It’s nothing… isn’t it? There’s nothing to be shocked about… I even felt that way.

“Ugh, walking with someone like you—” And so I—for the first time—forced a stiff smirk and suddenly, now with extreme exaggeration,

“Like this?” No sooner had I said it than I took two or three steps in a comical, waddling gait. I failed, I failed—she’d discovered my fatal weakness—I thought in regret. That gait, which provided such comfort that it made me forget the pain, compelled me to let out a bitter smile. “You’re doing quite well for it being real!” Teruko doubled over with laughter. I stopped stiffly in excessive shame and, to hide my embarrassment,

“By the way, Teruko, I’d like to drink a bit more somewhere.” “I’ve been strangely downcast because I haven’t had enough alcohol since earlier,” I said.

“It’s fine if you drink—but that leg of yours really does hurt.” If I’d just admitted it outright, it would’ve been nothing— “Lies! Lies! What leg pain?” “I really want to drink.” “Like this!” I bluffed pointlessly—though even I couldn’t grasp its purpose—and for reasons beyond comprehension, thrust my hands into my pockets and began rhythmically patting my chest from within them. “Even if you do that, it doesn’t suit you one bit.”

I felt a terrible pain in my testicles. —If I keep up this violent behavior, I might end up with orchitis or something… When that thought came, I felt unbearably pathetic. —The throbbing, crushing pain reverberated through to the crown of my head. I involuntarily bit my lip and endured the pain.

“What are you being so stubborn about, making that scowling face?” “My throat’s quivering because I want to drink a bit more.” “Oh, what a vulgar thing you’re doing! — But since today’s already hopeless, why don’t we stay out late and drown ourselves in fun?” “There’s no ‘hopelessness’ or anything—I—” Having said that, I turned away to avoid Teruko’s emotional excitement—yet faintly felt my heart flutter as if sensing some precursor to pleasure. When I looked at Teruko again, she stood motionless, her right hand covering her nose and eyes as if barely keeping her swaying body upright.

“Hey, hey—this ain’t no joke. Teruko, gettin’ soused won’t do ya no good. Or you feelin’ sick? Huh?” Even as I complained with palpable irritation, Teruko offered no resistance, remaining utterly still. “I... somehow feel my mind clearin’ up.” “Tsk! Don’t go limp now—keep it together. That ain’t what I’m sayin’ here!”

Though she appeared drunk, she showed the composure of one accustomed to such states—remaining steady when it counted—but even I could not stop my head and legs from swaying alarmingly. “Won’t you let me hold onto you a bit?” Teruko leaned heavily against my shoulder.—This is getting out of hand—I thought. But if I could just put her into a rickshaw and send her off like this, it’d be a blessing for me in the end—later, by exaggerating everything and wringing her dry, it’d no doubt be the most satisfying thing I’d done in ages—such icy scheming churned in my mind. “In that case, this place is too disgraceful to bear—let’s head somewhere darker over there, shall we?”

The scene being rather unimaginably bizarre by normal standards, I—above all fearing others' eyes—said this while starting to walk ahead; but Teruko showed no sign of having heard and didn't follow along; my face flushing red, I turned back once more and whispered the same thing. Finally noticing this at last, Teruko began walking unsteadily yet at a reasonable pace. I walked briskly ahead wearing an expression as if I weren't her companion. It was far too cold an attitude for later claiming any debt of gratitude.

At the corner, when I glanced back, Teruko was dragging her legs like someone utterly exhausted.—Despite being such a pretentious woman, she’s unexpectedly thick-skinned when it comes to this—Thinking that, I found myself peculiarly stirred by carnal thoughts. “Can’t you walk a little faster? No matter how much…” I gazed bitterly at Teruko’s figure.

We were walking along the riverside where both the road and the water’s surface lay dimly white and hazy under only the moonlight. It was a place where a long black wall stretched on and on. When we came this far and looked—perhaps because of the wind—Teruko was more composed than I had thought.

“Why go back?”

“It’s okay; nothing’s going to happen. Junsō, if you’re going to drink, then drink more. I’m fine now.” “That’s enough—I’ve had my fill of being your companion.” “I’m really fine, you know. I just got a little startled earlier, you know.”

“What the hell are you saying?—” I thought. “Come on, let’s go. It’s not even that late yet, and anyway, I’m supposed to stay at the Fukagawa house tonight—no matter how late we are, it won’t matter.” “I’ve had enough of walking.” I muttered as if groaning from the pit of my stomach and squatted right there. I couldn’t take another step.

“Oh, come on!” “What’s this? You’re really in a fix now, aren’t you?” “Come on, walk briskly,” Teruko said with a laugh, taking my hand and yanking me up. “Come on! Be lively like you were earlier.” “There we go!” I glared indignantly at Teruko’s face—this woman I despised from the depths of my heart as she began acting all frivolous.

“I’m sick of this.” “Hey!”

“What’re you even saying?” Teruko snapped—or so I thought—as she clenched her fist and jabbed my shoulder. “Let me put on that limp for you again.” “I can’t stand my legs hurting anymore.” My voice nearly broke into tears. “And it’s freezing out here.”

“So let’s just decide whether to drink or not.” In a fit of vexation, I abruptly stood up,

“Well then, are we really going to drink?” I declared as though I’d made some grand resolution. “There’s nothing here at all—why are you getting so riled up?” To mask the belated realization that my innermost thoughts had been seen through, “Once we decide to drink, I’ll get energized,” I said helplessly.

“Let’s walk faster. You can manage, can’t you?” Having said that, Teruko started walking briskly, and I, buoyed by her energy, became a chaotic mess of emotions,

“Of course I can walk! I can walk as much as you want!” I declared while energetically striding past Teruko with large steps. But at that very moment I realized I could no longer maintain a proper gait, “Teruko! Look here! This is how you do it,” I said while putting on an exaggerated limp. “Yes yes! Ah how amusing!” I found myself clenching my teeth involuntarily. Tears trickled down cheeks. “So then Junsō! Go ahead and run like earlier! That’d make you impressive.”

“Hmm, good, good—like this?”

I hiked up my clothes and hopped away on one leg, bouncing along. Then Teruko laughed as if seeing this hopping for the first time.—Maybe she hadn’t witnessed this particular hopping style earlier… If so, I’d let her grasp yet another weakness of mine—ah, I should’ve stopped—I realized this, but Teruko was so delighted, and moreover this method felt far more comfortable, so in reckless abandon I got carried away and leapt up with an even odder posture.

“Damn bastard!” “To hell with it all.” “What do I care if I die or whatever?” I muttered such things in a frenzy to myself as I bounded off cheerfully like a kangaroo. That Teruko—what an idiotic fool she was. Is there even a man who’d sincerely confess his feelings to a woman like that…?—The thought suddenly struck me. In some ancient, hazy memory, there might have been such a woman—but even so, that Teruko was a fool—her figure drifted through my mind in that form. “I don’t know the details,” I thought, “but if what Teruko said was true, then both Yamamura and Uncle were such worthless men.”

I clung to the bridge railing, slumping as if my own flesh had flown off to some distant sky or I’d forgotten where it went altogether. Absurd thoughts seemed to drift like smoke, but even those vanished before long, leaving me merely raising hollow eyes to the sky. Bound by the ropes of delusion, vainly drunk on the wine of ignorance. I had just thought this sullenly when, startled by my own realization, I struck my head with all my might.—Those words had been muttered like a soliloquy before me by Ryōzō one recent evening when he was terribly agitated, but even that madman had hastily retracted them as if ashamed of his careless utterance: “There’s such a passage in the Hizō Hōron, but I can’t say I find it particularly interesting.”—.

“Junsō, Junsō, wait for me! If you go so far ahead, I’ll be scared.” “I’m completely exhausted now.”

Before long, Teruko’s figure—breathless from catching up—flickered into view within the white, pallid moonlight. On the black roof across the river, the perfectly round spring moon perched abruptly.

(Written in July of the Eleventh Year)