Pathway to Japanese Literature

I

As the faint dream dissolved, white petals came scattering past the window. I felt the lingering echo of a heartbeat startled by something with a jolt fade away quietly, in the same manner, from my heart. “Were they cherry blossoms?” I thought.

There came the scratching sound of pen nibs being jabbed into inkwells; the hurried rustle of "notebook" pages being flipped. "...that is to say, Heraclitus fundamentally denied permanent substance and posited that the truth of the world must be grasped through becoming, which precipitated fierce debates with the Eleatic School inheriting Xenophanes' ideas—yet he remained steadfastly anchored in the doctrine of panta rhei..."

The weighty cadence of Professor H’s voice struck my eardrums pleasantly. Just as my attention was about to fix itself on the professor’s words, suddenly, the countless heads that until now had been pressed flat against the desks like frogs began bobbing upward. The entire classroom let out one great collective sigh—then came the clamor of hacking coughs and the chaotic scuffling of geta and shoes writhing beneath desks. Though Professor H’s lips still appeared to be moving, to my ears in the back row, his voice no longer reached me.

The lecture had reached a natural pause. Professor H had just finished a preliminary section before embarking on this session’s subject—the lecture concerning Heraclitus’s “Logos.” Some were wiping their faces with handkerchiefs. Some were asking those beside them about parts they’d missed hearing and hurriedly adding notes. Others were silently reading their half-finished “notebooks,” making corrections or blotting the ink with absorbent paper.

“In ‘the constancy within flux,’ how do you write this *kō* character?”

The man sitting in front of me whispered such things to the person next to him. The man who had been asked put down the pen he was holding, took a pencil from his breast pocket, and wrote “Constancy” at the top of his notebook.

“Oh, right, right.” “You don’t even know this character? What a damn fool.”

While saying this, he tilted his pencil and scrubbed away the character.

My "notebook" lay open, yet not a single line marred its pages. I was supposed to listen as attentively as possible during Professor H’s class—or so I had thought.

Before long, Professor H rose from his chair and cleared his throat quietly. Then, all the heads bowed down onto their desks in unison. And now, like soldiers awaiting the charge order, they poised their pen nibs, and the air in the room coalesced into one, holding its breath. As the professor’s faint murmur began to escape his lips, the countless poised pen nibs started moving with a rustling sound, like a weaving machine.

I straightened my back and stared blankly at Professor H’s face without blinking. Though it was a bench that could seat three or four people per row, they had all pressed themselves forward, leaving me as the sole occupant in the very last row. Before my eyes lay something like a flat expanse of watermelon patch—not a single head protruded—and maintaining that posture, the podium at the front became entirely visible.

Professor H’s gaze seemed to have alighted abruptly on my face, but I— Feeling a twinge of “Surely not…,” kept staring fixedly without moving. My head felt as though chasing some formless dream, utterly weightless and unmoored. The core of my skull seemed to sway with a faint breeze, floating imperceptibly adrift. “The elemental principle of fire” “Constancy within flux” “Divine providence”—these phrases flickered through my mind in staccato bursts before vanishing like wind rushing backward. What remained was that same vague white vision from moments prior, drifting hazily, while Professor H’s composed voice faintly reached me from beyond the lectern’s drape—a muted accompaniment to my foolish reverie.

For some time, I remained frozen in that posture, but whether from nerves or something else, I couldn’t shake the sense that Professor H’s eyes were fixed accusingly upon me. With no other choice, I bowed my head into the shadow of the back before me. And so, I thought I should at least try to take some notes and picked up my pen, but not a single line of the lecture’s substance had been transcribed. “What a foolish head I have.” When I thought that, feeling a strange impatience, I began rhythmically tapping my forehead.

“Quiet!”

From the front came such a voice.

Before I knew it, my pen nib was on the "notebook," drawing circles, then a series of triangles, then pyramids with meticulous shading.

“Hey! “Hey!” “What are you doing?” “What an idiot!” As someone said this and poked my thigh, I startled and raised my head. “You’re just napping away! “I’ve been watching from over there for a while now—your napping’s been driving me mad…” I hadn’t noticed when he’d arrived, but Yamamura—now sitting beside me—whispered in a tone tinged with indignation.

“Shall we leave?” I said. “Wait, let’s listen a little longer calmly. Today’s part is actually quite fascinating.” “Regardless, let’s get out.” “What an insufferable fool,” Yamamura said, shutting his notebook. “Fine, let’s go.”

The door was immediately to our right. I had chosen this seat in most cases to prepare for those self-indulgent fits where I’d often become unable to remain still midway through lectures.—So, once I confirmed the professor had turned toward the blackboard, I stealthily slipped out through the door. I lingered in a corner of the corridor waiting for Yamamura to come, but when I peeked through the glass window and saw Professor H continuing his lecture uninterrupted while facing forward, loitering there began to feel improper. So while thinking I should wait on the schoolyard lawn instead, I stealthily descended the stairs, muffling my footsteps.

On the lawn, students clustered here and there—some lying sprawled out, others forming circles engrossed in idle chatter. I sat cross-legged there, looking up at the second-floor classroom window I had just emerged from.

The sky stretched clear and blue without a single cloud, the soft spring sunlight seamlessly blending with all earthly things below. Yamamura showed no sign of emerging anytime soon. I could bear it no longer and stood up,

"Tch!" I clicked my tongue and started walking.—Should I go to Teruko’s house? Or should I just keep going straight back to my uncle’s house like this? While turning such thoughts over in my mind,

“Which should I choose?” With a mind as if casting divination sticks, I trudged out through the school gate. Every morning, it had been my habit to check my fortune through the nine-star divination in the newspaper, but that day I realized I’d forgotten to look. And so, I promptly bought three newspapers at the school gate. Five Yellow—no matter which paper I checked, they all proved dire. Nothing but warnings—“Exercise restraint in all matters,” “Financial dealings and marriage prospects: inauspicious.” Whenever faced with unfavorable fortunes, I’d made it my rule to scorn such things and pay them no heed. Yet being someone who grew so despondent over these trifles, my mind now churned with peculiar disquiet.

I decided to go to Eishinkan, Yamamura’s boarding house in the immediate neighborhood. Since I was acquainted with both the front desk staff and maids there, entering Yamamura’s room alone posed no issue. I folded a zabuton cushion into quarters and used it as a pillow to gaze at the ceiling.—Five or six cigarette filters were stuck there, thrown haphazardly.—Until now, I’d never noticed such things… I thought.

"Out of sheer boredom, did Yamamura play this prank?" When I thought that, I couldn't help but find it absurdly funny. —But after smoking the cigarette halfway, I extinguished the ember, split open one end of the paper, moistened it with saliva—then pinched it vertically between my fingertips and hurled it forcefully at the ceiling. Before I knew it, I'd become completely absorbed in hurling those filters at the ceiling over and over—but not a single one stuck properly.

“Maybe today really is cursed after all!” Even that notion had struck me. Yet I kept trying, flicking them upward relentlessly. If just one would stick properly—that’s all I wanted, I thought. —“If they refuse to stay put no matter what, should I fetch a stepping stool and glue them to the ceiling myself?” I found myself contemplating such absurdities. While lost in these deliberations and glaring at the ceiling as though plotting some masterstroke, Yamamura returned—so I straightened up and folded my legs beneath me.

“Professor H’s lecture was truly fascinating. I listened all the way to the end.” “What the—how rude! Or maybe I never got a chance to escape, and you’re the one fidgeting impatiently? I waited with considerable effort thinking that…” Though I’d said that, I couldn’t help feeling it would’ve been better if Yamamura had returned later— My mind still clung stubbornly to those cigarette filters.

“Haven’t you shown your face for a while? What on earth were you doing?” “Me?” I muttered belatedly. With an offhand remark whose casualness belied its effect—my words had unexpectedly given the impression that I’d settled down—Yamamura now looked at me as if wondering whether I’d stirred up some new troublesome affair. As if to say just that, he raised anxious eyes and watched my face. “I’ve finally ended up getting sick.” I scowled and said in a deliberately playful tone.

“What! Really?”

“I’m completely done for.” I’d tried to appear as bold as possible, but my chest clung stubbornly to this fragile voice insisting my entire body had become utterly defiled.

“I see.” Yamamura wondered what manner of friendship he should show here. He remained silent as though pondering this. "But something like this would go away soon, right?" “Well, treating it wouldn’t be difficult, but—”

When it came to this same "bad illness," Yamamura had contracted it long before I did.

“So that time before—that’s undoubtedly the cause, right?” Yamamura continued.

It was about two months ago that I first went with Yamamura to a certain outlying red-light district. Yamamura, feeling responsible, had never again attempted to invite me after that—but about ten days prior, in a state of great agitation, clinging desperately to him, I finally got him to accompany me for a second time.

“As for my aunt’s house—I fabricated some excuse and decided to stay at my uncle’s place in Fukagawa for the time being.” “After all, that Teruko woman—if she finds out, she’ll make a real fuss.” “Ah, that cousin of yours—right, we’d be in trouble if she found out.” “Honestly, when it comes to her, she’s such a nuisance.” “She’s got this absurdly strong, bizarre vanity—just thinking about it lately sends shivers down my spine.”

Because I had inadvertently spoken harshly, Yamamura made a slightly uneasy face.

“Hasn’t she gotten married yet?” Even while I thought that attacking Teruko in such a situation would be futile, “If only she’d hurry up and get married off—I’d truly feel relieved—but there’s probably no one who’d take her.” “She apparently had some guy who was supposedly an Imperial University student until just the other day.” “The other day, when she went to the countryside for about ten days, the neighbors started rumors she’d gone off to give birth—though of course that was just gossip.” And so on—my words kept threatening to spill out endlessly.

“You’re on foolishly bad terms again, aren’t you? When people are always together, they end up seeing nothing but each other’s flaws—that’s how it tends to go.—Anyway, what about your illness?”

“Since my uncle’s house is a doctor’s, I’m thinking of buttering up that assistant to get treated in secret.” “Is such a thing even possible?” “…………” I had been taught by Yamamura about detailed precautions regarding medicine and food—since he told me recovery was assured if I strictly adhered to them—and having resolved to follow these measures faithfully, I felt somewhat relieved.

It was already nearing dusk when I left Eishinkan together with Yamamura. “Since walking is most inadvisable, you must take great care about that.” “So it seems.” “Even now it feels like such a burden. My gait must look rather odd, don’t you think?”

While discussing such things, the two of them were crossing the athletic field. On the athletic field, a great many students were still drenched in sweat, enthusiastically practicing their sports. There was also a group wearing tiger-striped shirts kicking a football resembling a melon. There were also those running all alone around the perimeter of the athletic field, completely absorbed. There were also those holding terrifyingly long poles, sliding smoothly as they leapt up. In the far corner, there was also someone who had climbed up alone onto the slope of a hill and was shouting something at the top of their lungs, bellowing incessantly.

“Is walking this much really not problematic?” “Of course it’s not good, but since we walked that far so quietly, it’s nothing too grave.”

Before we knew it, we walked all the way to Kagurazaka. Street vendors were beginning to set out their wares. We entered a small Western-style restaurant with a waitress named Okei and drank beer. I timidly brought the cup to my lips and gently pretended to sip.

II

Uncle was said to be out on a house call. Sudō from the pharmacy was said to have gone to Asakusa to see a moving picture.

In the back parlor, Fukuyama the assistant physician, Mimura the nurse, Tada—who did housekeeper-like work—and Seto, a hospitalized stockbroker’s clerk, among others, had gathered and were drawing lots. (My uncle was a bachelor.) I had designated the eight-tatami room on the second floor as a shared study with my uncle. I had stolen sandalwood oil and capsules from the pharmacy and was opening the capsule lids one by one on the desk. Below the window flowed the marsh-like waters of the Onagi River. It was a quiet evening when the sound of rudders from Daruma boats floating on that water occasionally echoed.

“Mr. Purezo, are you there?” Mimura’s voice came from downstairs. “There’s a telephone call from a Mr. Yamamura.” I hurriedly stashed away the items on my desk and went to the telephone. Yamamura explained he had come thinking I was still at my aunt’s house in Horidome. He said he was waiting in the standing section of the Meiji-za Theater and told me to come immediately. He mentioned having something he wanted to discuss. “Let’s go to my aunt’s house to talk,” I said, accompanying Yamamura out from the standing section.

“Where did you go after we split up in Kagurazaka that night?” Yamamura’s tone cut so sharply that I myself felt unsettled. Don’t drag up pointless matters! The words nearly escaped me. “You’ve been feeding me nothing but lies.”

“A lie?” I involuntarily stared wide-eyed.

“Lies!” Yamamura turned away.

“Did Teruko tell you something?”

“…………”

I felt my chest begin to pound with anxious anticipation. I couldn’t possibly explain my own foolish feelings. Even though I hadn’t particularly lied to Yamamura, in this state of emotional detachment, confessing now that everything I’d been telling Teruko was a lie would have been utterly futile. First of all, even if my obedient lies to Teruko were false, given that I was now saying things for which Yamamura criticized me, the fact that this differed so greatly from what I’d normally told him about her meant that the inferiority of my character could never be forgiven by Yamamura no matter what.

“Am I going to grow distant from this man too, bit by bit, starting now?” Thinking this, I felt lonely. By nature, I was never one to have what you might call close friends. At first I’d make a grand show of associating earnestly with them, but before I knew it, I’d end up drifting away from my friends. Nor was it that I was the one pulling away—usually it was the other party, seeing through my hollow cheerfulness and people-pleasing antics, my personality devoid of depth in thought or lifestyle, my habit of prattling shallow trivialities or playing the overwrought sentimentalist swayed by paper-thin emotions. Time and again, they’d simply lose patience with me altogether. Moreover, everything I did reeked of pretentious affectation and was thoroughly disagreeable—and all of it had a horribly seedy air about it.

Since it was still before dinner, I had thought of inviting Yamamura to eat somewhere together, but decided it would be foolish to ask someone who found me so disagreeable. If he wanted to rage, let him rage all he liked—I was already at my limit. Let him slap my face or do whatever he pleased; he should just hurry back home. I was starving above all else, and even talking felt like a bother…… Beyond such thoughts, I considered nothing else.

“You’ve been living such an empty life—how can you not feel suffocated?” “It’s for your sake that I despise you.” “For my part, I certainly don’t intend to despise you.” “This may be rude to state so bluntly, but personally, I can’t even find anything within you worth despising.” “It’s simply that I demand greater self-reflection from you.” “……” I thought I ought to appreciate Yamamura’s kindness. But try as I might, Yamamura’s words failed to resonate in my chest, leaving me all the more dejected. As I persisted in this surface-level existence, had my emotions—without my noticing—grown so dull that I could no longer grasp even the slightest complexity where one feeling grazed another? Such thoughts crossed my mind.

“You…” Yamamura said again. I felt a slight stir of curiosity. “What ideal led you to take up something like literature?”

Having said that, Yamamura let slip a smile for the first time. I too could only force a bitter smile.

As we walked along the tram-lined bustle of Ningyōchō Street toward Koami-chō, we reached the corner that turned toward my aunt’s house. I had thought Yamamura would likely leave by now. “Shall we drop by?” I said, coming to a stop. “Well?” Yamamura stood rooted in place, vacantly watching the streetcar depart—I had grown desperate to see Teruko.

“Why don’t we stop by for a bit?” “There’s no point in stopping by.”

“Well, I actually haven’t eaten yet—could you keep me company somewhere?” “I don’t feel like drinking today… Well then, let’s part ways here.” No sooner had he spoken than Yamamura turned briskly down the path we’d just walked, striding away without waiting for my reply. A fear arose that he might have seen through my innermost thoughts, but even so, I couldn’t help flaring up in irritation.

I half-ran into my aunt’s house.

“Did you come from Fukagawa, Purezo-san?” Having said that, my aunt looked up at my face. “Did Teruko go?” “Is that so! Well, since I took a little detour, we must’ve passed each other somewhere along the way.”

“But what time did she leave?” “Around six, perhaps?” “Then that’s strange, isn’t it? Teruko left before three, I tell you. Because you were feeling unwell and lying down, she said she’d come check on you… So did that girl tell another lie, I wonder?” “That’s probably not the case—though I had been in bed with a cold these past few days. —Yamamura was here earlier, wasn’t he?”

“No.” I momentarily lost my bearings. I perfunctorily dealt with my aunt and hurriedly turned back. Yamamura and Teruko must have met along the way—even so, I couldn’t help but be unbearably curious about what Teruko had said to Yamamura.

Teruko was on the second floor, leaning against my desk with the shoji thrown open, gazing vacantly down at the water below.

“Did you meet Yamamura earlier?” I immediately asked. “Yes, I met him.” Teruko maintained her composure as if to say, “So what?” “Teruko, what did you tell Yamamura about me?”

“About what?” “I wouldn’t breathe a word ’bout you—what’s there even to say in the first place?” “But he was fit to burst, I tell you.” “Thanks to you, Teruko, Yamamura gave me a right proper tongue-lashing.” “Why ever would I?” “How peculiar.—That Mr. Yamamura’s a queer duck through and through.” “I’m fair worn out myself today.” “Nothing but oddities out his mouth.—And putting on such airs! Going on about what Dostoevsky said or whether I’ve read Madame Bovary—like he takes me for some bluestocking! Them that spout such rot are the ones don’t know Dostoevsky from a hole in the ground.” Teruko, clearly nettled something fierce, paid my questions no mind and kept blathering this trifling nonsense, puffing herself up like a bantam cock.

“What the hell are you saying?” “You’re the one who’s ten times the fool.” I could no longer bear it and venomously snapped. When I suddenly noticed, there was a bottle of Pocket Whiskey resting on Teruko’s lap. “Teruko, did you drink this stuff?” I was slightly startled, so I inadvertently ended up asking in that manner. “I did drink it—pulled it right out of your desk drawer and drank it, Purezo.”

I wondered if my "secret medicine" had been discovered and flinched. Even if she had seen it, there was no way Teruko could know what that medicine was for—if questioned, I’d just brush it off as stomach medicine or something… Such thoughts raced through my mind in that instant. “Purezo, how’s your condition?” “Haven’t you developed quite the sophisticated little illness?” “Oh, you already knew?” “How did you find out?” “Why? I heard everything from Mr. Yamamura.” “This person’s all talk, yet surprisingly timid, isn’t he?”

I had no choice but to force a deliberately nonchalant laugh: "Hahaha." But I,

"Yamamura’s a man who says strange things too," I couldn’t help muttering. “Purezo, you thought you could hide such things from me? You’re the one who’s ten times more absurd.” Teruko, in high spirits, let slip a smile that seemed to suggest she might take care of any trouble—if only one would come bareheaded in surrender.

“Lately I’ve acquired such a lovely lover—I’m positively crowing from the rooftops—so a little moxibustion of that sort ought to suffice, don’t you think? That’s what I told Mr. Yamamura. But he still doesn’t know, does he? About your delightful little secret, Purezo.” “Of course I’m not you, Teruko—you think I’d carelessly blabber such sarcastic nonsense to others?” Even as I said this, I felt such shame that I wanted to blow my own body away somewhere—like snuffing out a candle flame—with a silent puff. There I was before Teruko, fabricating whatever nonsense came to mind to project this pathetic bravado, trying desperately to make myself appear some suave individual—yet in truth, my behavior couldn’t even reach the sophistication of Yamamura’s toenail’s breadth, so juvenile was I. And when I thought of how Yamamura had heard about me from Teruko and was now indignant as though I’d been keeping some secret from him—the whole thing struck me as utterly absurd. Even though it was a seed I’d sown myself, I was too much of a fool to even laugh.

“By the way, Purezo!” Teruko interjected, her tone shifting as if sobering from its earlier playfulness,

“You do understand about Uncle, don’t you?” he said, blinking.

“Of course I understand—it’s precisely because I do that I’m here in the first place, isn’t it?” While still clinging to my earlier feelings, I said such things.

From the beginning, I had told Teruko and the others that, but in truth, I had moved here for precisely the reasons I had stated to Yamamura.

Uncle Ryōzō had shown signs of madness since about a month prior. This was the third episode of madness since we had become aware. Under the pretense that he was simply a man with poor drinking habits, they had deceived others’ eyes—but to us, it was clear this wasn’t the case. In his daily life, especially toward others, he remained exceedingly kind and amiable, so much so that even those at the hospital still noticed nothing amiss. The number of patients kept steadily increasing. When I saw that, I felt a peculiar sensation. A kind doctor—being a pure psychiatric patient where others’ eyes couldn’t reach… Thinking this, I felt theatrical terror.

“It’s strange—even if we just pay attention, he still manages to pass as a proper doctor.” “It’s just like a play!” “In your family, there’s that illness in the bloodline, you know.” “Now that you mention it—there’s something odd about you too! You must be careful! Ugh, if you were to go mad—ha…” “I’d rather become some raging brute than go mad.” “A fearsome brute who can’t tell day from night—that’s what I mean.” “If that happens, the first thing I’ll do is kill you, Teruko.”

Whenever I talked with Teruko, I always slipped into a dissipated mood. The more earnest Teruko became, the more my mind would skate over things—it had become a habit.

“We’re at ease since you’ve come to stay here for us, Purezo—but truly now, you must look after Uncle.” “Still, if I don’t come check even once a day, Mother won’t be satisfied.” I found conversing with Teruko like this dreary. If only Uncle Ryōzō would return soon, I thought. “That aside—where did you go that night? You keep up these antics even now—haven’t you had enough?” “You’ll land yourself in proper trouble before long.”

Despite Teruko’s feelings being laid so bare before me like this, I—consumed by the preposterous delusion that this woman must be seething with jealousy, convinced I was off somewhere having a marvelous time all by myself—purposefully twisted my face into a meaningful smirk, affecting a knowing grin.

“Once this manic spell passes, Uncle’s illness will cure itself—just endure a little longer,” Teruko said, then immediately followed with a truly reckless look: “Ah—maybe this one has caught everyone’s sickness lately too… What a wretched state.” She gulped audibly, swigging whiskey straight from the bottle’s mouth before collapsing onto the tatami and weeping quietly. “It’s all my fault Uncle ended up like this.” Suddenly, Teruko uttered those words. When phrased that way, even I found several things coming to mind.— I was terribly shocked, but

“What nonsense are you spouting? Quit fooling around already.” In a tone neither comforting nor mocking—deliberately overbearing—I made an utterly unjust observation, as if declaring: “You’re so desperate to cast yourself as the protagonist, aren’t you?” Yet even then, I found myself gripped by vague jealousy.—Teruko sat beside my knee, wheezing labored breaths through clenched teeth. Then she abruptly lifted her face again,

“Mr. Yamamura’s mind has also been utterly ruined on my account.” “Even I find it unbearably pitiable, but…” she said. I stood up violently, leaned against the window, and looked down at the river. The lights of moored ships flickered faintly beneath the pale mist. …“Serves you right,” I thought. Of course, being suspicious and petty-minded, I spun out arbitrary imaginings—conducting a self-satisfied dissection within that tiny fantasy, intent on mocking Teruko without restraint. …That bastard—all he does is spout such high-sounding words—but wait, now that I think of it, Yamamura once showed me a novel he’d written himself… Suddenly struck by this thought, I felt a strange exhilaration. “All of Purezo’s friends are just dull-witted country bumpkins who take after him.” “To start with, that closest friend of yours—Mr. Yamamura—is obviously some uncouth, creepy guy at a glance.” “I absolutely detest that school of yours,” and suchlike—Teruko had always despised everything around me.

If Teruko were being ruthlessly toyed with by Yamamura exactly as depicted in that novel—and since Yamamura was a man who claimed never to invent fictional matters, this had to be factual—what a satisfying thing that would be, I thought. I felt an overwhelming urge to rush to Yamamura’s place that very instant and heap praise upon him.

“Oh ho! That’s the first I’ve heard of it. That does sound like quite a predicament…” I exaggeratedly shook my head and thrust my face right up to Teruko’s nose. Take a good look, I sneered inwardly. “What are you saying?! Purezo!” Teruko shifted her sword-like gaze and glared sharply at me. The tone carried a coldness sharp enough to make me bristle. “Why must you be so perverse?”

When told this, I took the words “perverse” as praise—misconstruing them as acknowledgment of some exceptional ability—and with my slack mouth exaggeratedly twisted, laughed: “Well now, Miss Teruko’s illustrious influence sure is formidable! Ha ha ha!” Yet even I grew disgusted watching myself—clinging to trivial foolish emotions like an idiot fixated on blowing at a spinning lantern. However insensitive Teruko might be, being drenched in such artless words born of this stubbornly misguided sentiment would prove utterly impossible for anyone to endure with composure.

“This isn’t a joke.—We’re not in some carefree situation like you think, Purezo.” “You’re the one who ought to reconsider a bit.” “You can’t afford to be acting all self-important right now.” “What’s this? A woman like you guzzling that stuff—and not even out of genuine despair! Just putting on airs, acting like there’s an audience to amuse yourself with.” I felt a refreshing clarity as the lines slipped smoothly off my tongue. I, for my part, felt a sort of amusement as if I were play-acting. “Cut it out with this mockery already!” “Damn you! You think I’d waste my time being shocked by such trifles? I’ve got nothing against you, Teruko…” While I was chattering away excitedly, a lukewarm object suddenly struck the side of my cheek with a squelching thud. I staggered, dazed, nearly collapsing.

“Idiot! Idiot!” “Ugh—just die already!” Teruko let out a wailing cry as she grabbed at my face and head; no sooner had she done so than she clawed at my face indiscriminately, as though I had no eyes or nose. At the same time, a suffocatingly sweet fragrance unceremoniously enveloped my body. “Come on! If you want to throw things, throw all you like—I won’t lay a finger on you, so calm down and have at it… But pitiful you—you’ve gone completely mad.” I muttered these words inwardly while half-opening my eyes—still intending to make them gleam with irony—and smirked mockingly.

III

The momentary scene remained vividly etched behind my eyelids, but finding it so absurd, I dismissed the discomfort outright and kept my eyes wide open—not even a wry smile from my gut rose to my lips. ―I lay with my eyes open close to the pale wall. My head had rolled off the pillow. My neck felt unnervingly constricted and sore. The area around my mouth was sticky with drool. I must have been sleeping there slack-jawed like an imbecile.—No wonder, upon waking, it had been such a profoundly unsettling dream. There had been similar episodes before, and I’d congratulated myself on avoiding such unhealthy visions—yet now, against all expectation, Teruko had appeared in this dream, the scene so shockingly indecent that shame drenched me in cold sweat and I was seized by an unbearable fury.

I took the towel by my pillow and wiped the sinister sweat that had oozed out from both armpits down to my spine.

A dim ten-candlepower electric lamp was lit just above my head. ―Wondering what time it might be, I dug out the clock buried under my pillow only to find its mainspring broken, the minute hand neatly stopped at 3:20.―So how many hours had I slept? And what time was it now anyway?... Half-heartedly chasing these thoughts like fragments of a dream, I stared vacantly at the electric lamp’s glow.

"What’s happened to Uncle?" When that thought struck me, an anxiety clawed at my chest as if being raked from within.

On the surface, it appeared as though I were attending to Uncle, but in reality, my presence by his side only served to exacerbate his condition. During that period, I went out night after night, tagging along with Uncle. And so, we became equally drunk. On the contrary, there were times when I—when drunk—would throw troublesome tantrums or take the lead in dragging us into places like Yoshiwara. There were even times when we both passed out drunk on the embankment at Suzaki and only realized it when dawn broke. ……To me, even how much madness Uncle might display was not clearly understood.

By daytime, Uncle would usually be perfectly composed. And then, as usual, he would energetically go out on house calls and write prescriptions. Therefore, no one outside of us could know about Uncle’s condition. Could Uncle possess some special power to blind others’ eyes?—Such thoughts sent an eerie shudder through me. Having spent night after night like that, my lymph nodes had swollen up. Coward that I was, I panicked terribly and, after begging Teruko, had been admitted to this S Hospital about a week prior. Having entrusted Uncle’s care to Teruko, I had resolved that this time, I would properly convalesce.

The previous evening, having gone to see Uncle out of sheer boredom only to find Teruko had not yet arrived, we ended up going out together. What the hell did Teruko and the others take me for? They were walking on eggshells around me like I was some lunatic—it was infuriating. “After all, you’re my only ally.”

When told such things by Uncle, I felt strangely happy—or so it seemed. However, this evening—because I was preoccupied with my body and refrained from bringing the cup to my lips—I could observe the minute details that seemed to confirm: “Ah, indeed…” “Calling someone a ‘nighttime madman’ sounds like it could be the title of some new play—but Uncle here truly lives up to that name.” Teruko had said such a thing before, and I found myself thinking, “That makes sense…”

By the time we reached Azumabashi on the one-sen steam ferry, dusk had fallen. With me nursing nothing but beer sip by sip, Uncle dragged us through three or four cramped bars. I trembled in fear. Were I to carelessly try restraining him, who could say how violently he might erupt? When he proposed entering the moving pictures theater, we no sooner stepped inside than he declared, “This dump’s tedious—next door!”, already turning on his heel. At Denkikan they were screening a detective drama called Fantômas; deeming it “passably diverting,” we killed an hour watching shadows flicker across the screen.

After wandering through fishing ponds, ball-rolling games, shooting galleries, and the like, we slipped into a shady alleyway in “Twelve Floors Below.”

“Without that Teruko around, I feel utterly cleansed,” he said, the lamplight catching the whiskey tremor in his fingers. “Like I’ve been flung out into some sunlit clearing.” “Why must it matter?” I countered, throat tight with the lie. “Whether she’s here or gone—it’s irrelevant, isn’t it?” Each mention of her name coiled like smoke in my chest—not anger, but that sickening envy again. Had her whispered confessions been truth after all? The suspicion clung like sweat-damp sheets. He snorted, ice clinking against glass. “That creature—no enemies to speak of.”

“This isn’t a joke—you’re already drunk, Uncle.” “Admittedly, that one’s so excessively loudmouthed it’s unbearable.” “She just has to stick her nose into whatever others are doing—it’s so damn annoying I can’t stand it.” “No, that isn’t what I meant.—Ah, never mind. You’re still a kid—you don’t know anything yet.” While discussing such things, we endlessly circled the noisy yet gloomy alleyway.

There was a sound of knocking on the door. ―I responded. "Oh!" "Teruko?"

I averted my gaze with feigned disinterest yet felt unbearably awkward. Certainly, the woman I had seen in the dream was Teruko. “Ah, that was creepy.” Teruko—having tossed a light paper package onto my legs with oddly fidgety movements—said, “That side street back there was quite frightening, don’t you think?” “Why?” Without replying, Teruko took off her coat and adjusted her collar, still not having sat in the chair.

I had already roughly guessed what Teruko was about to say and was growing impatient—though I certainly had no interest in whatever you were trying to say—but the way you kept putting on airs with nothing but preambles was unbearable; with such an expression, I furrowed my brow, "What now?" I snapped. "What do you mean 'what'? I'm already fed up." Teruko remained composed, still oblivious to my feelings.

“If you don’t need me to hear it, then stop muttering to yourself in front of me.” “It’s already begun—and here I went through all this trouble to come.” “What’s so creepy about it?” I shouted. “That alley over there could stand to be a bit brighter.—But you see, I’ve grown sick of it.” “From inside the tram, someone kept staring at my face so rudely—I thought, ‘What a creep’—and when I got off right there, didn’t he follow me down? Then he trailed me all the way here, right to the front! And in the tram, he even tried to grab my hand—so gently!”

My nerves, already frayed from waiting for Teruko’s arrival, were now jangling violently. I turned sideways and bit my lip.

“Well now—he’s quite a handsome university student, you see.” “Then it’s not creepy in the slightest—if anything, you’d be the one wanting to tempt him yourself.”

"Who'd bother responding?" I thought—yet I couldn't hold back and let slip such venomous words. “This isn’t a joke—it’s not like you’re Purezo or anything…” Teruko, laughing all the while, finally lowered herself into the chair.

“You can go home and discuss that with your mother or whoever.”

I picked up the magazine and gazed at the frontispiece. Of course, Teruko was either exaggerating the matter beyond recognition or spinning pure nonsense—but even so, as I cynically speculated on how she could chatter away with such transparently skillful affectation, I found myself perversely impressed by her grotesque capacity. “I brought you flowers—aren’t they pretty? Carnations.” “I’m not so refined an invalid that I’d sit here admiring those things.” “That may be so, but if I arrange them like this, doesn’t it look a bit more refined?” As she spoke, Teruko placed the bundle of flowers into a cup and set it on the windowsill.

“Ridiculous,” I said. “It’s a bit ridiculous, don’t you think?”

I felt a somewhat pleasant calm settle over my mind. "What time is it now?" “Six-thirty.”

Feeling momentarily adrift, I checked the time. If it was past six, then I must have slept through the entire day—and when I thought things like, “Will I not be able to sleep tonight either?” I felt more desolate than anything. “Did you go to Fukagawa?”

"I went to check briefly this morning, but Uncle hasn't come home since last night, they said." "But he must have returned by now." My anxiety sank deeper into shadow. Never before had I seen Uncle's madness rage so violently as that previous night. "Bring Teruko here now! I'll wrench that wench's cheek with all my strength!" he'd roared. In the end—though stone sober—I swayed drunkenly, my resolve melting into his frenzy. "Too late now—let's bed down in Yoshiwara," I urged myself, stumbling through blackened alleys like a fugitive.

“I don’t want to go to such an idiotic place.” “I’ll drink more liquor.” Ryōzō said this but would not comply. Then, wrenching my arm free, he ended up wandering into a labyrinthine alley like Yawata-shirazu.

“Purezo not being here actually seems better for Uncle’s condition.” “Even at night, he goes to bed early—and lately there’s hardly anything suspicious about him anymore.” “When we fuss over him, it just eggs him on—last night he actually went out for once, rare as that is. Me? I’ve stopped worrying about Uncle altogether these days.” Teruko had no idea that I had accompanied him out.

“Do you think he’s made it back safely?” “He’s fine—you’re just too high-strung! When Purezo was hanging around all the time with his antics, you couldn’t even tell who was truly ill! Fussing over every little detail like that only worsens this sort of condition.” “Is that so…”

But Teruko said that if I was concerned, we could call to check, and I thought that if he was there, I would be relieved. The more lightly Teruko handled matters, the more uneasy I became.

“He’s here—they said he’s safely back.” “They said an injured person was brought in just now, and he’s completely engrossed in treating them.”

Teruko returned from making the call as though it were the natural outcome. I had rather taken his absence for granted. If I thought about the previous night—how could that person have sobered from such violent madness?—it seemed unthinkable. I felt somehow outwitted. I also felt that Uncle might truly be—exactly as Teruko said—half-hearted in his pretense, secretly mocking in his gut those of us who worried about him. I also felt that I was far more undisciplined than Uncle in every way.

“Uncle actually listens to what I say fairly well—truly, we’d been worrying too much all this time in form.” “When you see how suddenly quiet it’s become since Purezo left, even Mother laughed and said, ‘It must’ve been Purezo causing trouble all along!’” “Maybe so.” For once, I accepted Teruko’s words without resistance.

“Did someone come to visit?” “Who?” “It’s someone called something-or-other.”

“Ah, they come by sometimes.” I told a lie I never could have dreamed of. Even so, I had forgotten—even to myself—to the extent that I had made Teruko believe such lies.

“But that’s strange, isn’t it? Since I come here like this from time to time, shouldn’t we have crossed paths at least once?” “But that part’s neatly arranged—your visiting days are mostly fixed, aren’t they? Actually, they came last night too.” “Because they’d be ashamed if I saw them.”

“If their self-respect is that strong, they’re impossible to handle,” I laughed with feigned nonchalance, though this exchange had long since grown tedious. Yet when I thought how persistently Teruko still dwelled on such matters, I felt a flicker of amusement. Thinking this, I actually felt a faint intoxication, as though I truly occupied such a privileged position.

“Liar!” Suddenly, Teruko blurted out as if shouting. “What’s all this unrestrained nonsense!” My heart thudded. Even if word had spread—could Teruko have known everything about last night?! I thought—but I too immediately realized that since I’d confess eventually anyway, it wasn’t too late to first gauge the situation a little longer—so, “Ha ha ha... My bad, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—it’d be disastrous if I ruined your mood, Teruko. Yes, truly inexcusable...” and so on—all while strategizing to observe her reactions, thinking: What you’re fixated on must stem from competitive jealousy after all, in which case I’m the real victor here apologizing like this—trying my utmost to maintain an air of composure.

“That’s cruel! If you get too full of yourself…” “What exactly is eating at you?” I could no longer hold back and asked. “Just what’s your condition?” “It’s been days already, hasn’t it?” Teruko inquired, straining to keep her composure. “Still not improving—utterly worn out. Honestly, being nothing but a burden to you alone, Teruko. Can’t apologize enough.” Knowing this manner of speech usually pleased Teruko—how she’d melt into reassurances like “Why fuss over trifles?” or “Ask anything of me!”—I took care to mumble with exaggerated humility.

“Do you even realize yourself that things aren’t going well?” Teruko maintained a demeanor showing no sign of softening readily—contrary to her usual patterns. “You don’t need to get so stiff—I don’t know what’s gotten under your skin, but wouldn’t it be better to calm down and explain things clearly? Huh?” “Enough with the jokes already.” “What?” “There’s nothing to even speak of.” I could no longer get a read. Even so, I could no longer endure Teruko’s unreasonably high-handed attitude—how she alone held my weaknesses in her grasp, stoking my anxiety by never revealing their full extent, treating me as though I were some plaything to be freely tormented.

“Get out! You’re making me sick!” I shouted.

“I’ll leave then—as much as you want! But enough with your selfishness already—you’re gravely mistaken if you think I know nothing.” “What... What is it?” The fit of anger from a moment before had been crushed into a smoldering simmer; I merely growled with visible discontent under my breath.

“For someone who’s supposed to be a patient—where do you go every single night?” “You think just because I stay silent, you can treat me like a fool?” Teruko’s anger, having reached its breaking point, suddenly erupted into voluble speech. “You imagine nighttime hides your tracks? That won’t fly.” “What exactly do you think hospitalization means? Keep this up and you’ll never recover.” “Or if you’re already cured—go home then......” Teruko’s lips trembled faintly.

Despite having anticipated a somewhat decisive, well-aimed harsh reprimand, all she delivered was an unexpectedly lukewarm stream of words that left me vaguely dissatisfied. In situations involving jokes or idle mockery, she tended to be twice as talkative as anyone else, yet when pressed seriously, she'd grow tongue-tied, just repeating the same things over and over. What a useless creature, I thought. But I decided to try enduring a little longer. Perhaps she'd resolved something momentous in her heart—once this simple-minded woman gave up, she'd become truly unmanageable. If she blurted out something resentfully at home in her frustration, there'd be no recovering from it... With such pragmatic concerns, I suppressed the absurdity of it all and sat perfectly still in solemn silence. After all, the only reason I could stay hospitalized this easily was entirely due to Teruko's efforts.

However, things hadn’t turned out to be as dire as I’d feared. What Teruko seemed fixated on was that despite having sunk into such a state, I still crept out nightly like clockwork to rendezvous with women—or so she imagined—and she appeared intent on condemning me for that alone. Had even the previous night’s affair remained undetected, I’d have been utterly unfazed. If that were truly all she suspected, it struck me as rather droll—how easily I could flip the script, needling Teruko’s nerves or stoking her fury instead.

In truth, when night fell, I would leave the hospital as usual. But of course, there was no place to go. To relieve my boredom, I went to the local variety hall to hear dramatic recitations. Having grown tired of even that, I found myself merely regretting the disastrous mistake of having met my uncle for the first time just the previous night. At times I’d put on a childish show of bravado—acting recklessly indifferent, muttering things like “What’s an illness matter anyway?” (though this time, naturally, I couldn’t have said such things before Teruko)—but in truth, I remained terribly timid and never once acted carelessly with my health. “If you keep ignoring warnings about your health, there’s nothing left but to cut you off.” The absurdity of Teruko getting flustered over the doctor’s pronouncements left me too numb even to laugh.

“Then go ahead and tell Auntie or whoever you like! If that’s how it is, I’ll do exactly as I please too.” Having completely settled down yet deliberately putting on an indignant face—since I couldn’t bear being ordered about—I said this as a precautionary test. “Well! What a warped soul!” “When did I ever say I’d give you orders? How unmanly to fret over such things.” The more boldly I spoke, the more it backfired.

“I’m not half as concerned about Auntie or my old man as Teruko thinks I am.”

“Well, what a strange person you are…” said Teruko, clearly taken in by my act as she laughed lightly—as if trying to placate me. I, feeling rather pleased with myself, made an even more exaggerated grimace, as if to say that if driven to reckless abandon, I’d do anything. “Surely you’re not drinking alcohol, are you?” “――”

“Well, who knows—I’ll probably drink,” I stayed silent, aiming to make her grasp that meaning without words. Why did I care so much about this detestable woman?—I rather felt that way myself, yet couldn’t fathom how much of a good person Teruko truly was. “Drinking and wandering about, and then…” Teruko gave a brief laugh. “……They say that’s the worst offense.” “Ah…” Provoked by Teruko’s words against my will, I let out a sigh.

“It’s true.” “Right.” I answered without intent. I slumped listlessly, and even exchanging words felt burdensome now. “For now, just stop going out, alright?” “Hmm…” Before I knew it, I was drawn into Teruko’s emotional current. I muttered faintly, as though on the verge of collapse. It occurred to me how refreshing it would be if Teruko would just confess everything—all her true feelings and vulnerabilities—until she felt at ease. Yet adopting a complete change in demeanor felt too sentimental for me to manage.

“Well then, I’ll be going home now—you absolutely mustn’t go out anymore.” “I’ll have them call a rickshaw.” Teruko rose restlessly as if declaring departure must happen immediately.—I didn’t want her to leave. Even with Teruko present, discomfort would outweigh any benefit—yet facing a tedious night alone, toying with her emotions like a puppet master seemed infinitely more appealing. I yanked the quilt completely over my head,

“Ugh… Ah…” I let out a sigh so exaggerated it chilled even myself. Teruko started, “What’s wrong? Huh? What is it?” she said—though normally she’d have brushed it off without jest—now artfully compromising in her eagerness to leave. “If you’re lonely, I might stay a while longer.” “That’s not it.” I blurted out hastily. “Jumping to conclusions again? What an idiot.” “Then what is it?”

Because Teruko didn’t get angry, I found myself thrown into disarray instead. The medicine I’d taken earlier must have been too potent, I thought――.

“Have you met Mr. Yamamura, Purezo?”

“As if I would!” “That’s the last I saw of him.” “Well! So you didn’t know Mr. Yamamura’s returning home tonight?” “I don’t know.” I was feeling unwell, but I had no choice but to tell the truth as it was. “What’s this? For a friend—” Teruko wore a presumptuous smile, just as I had expected. That your one and only friend has already betrayed you and become mine—even though I hardly give him the time of day—she made that meaning abundantly clear to me.

“So, last night Mr. Yamamura came to my house to bid farewell.” “So I must go see him off to Ueno now, you know.”

IV Even I, who tried to hold everything Teruko said against my own heart in contempt, when I thought of Uncle and considered Yamamura’s recent behavior, felt that my suspicions had been almost entirely mistaken. Emotionally, I still clung to the will to defy Teruko, but my reason had already surrendered to her and taken root at the core of my chest.

I stopped and looked up at the sky. A star was shining directly above my face. I had gone out intending to take a stroll around town, but finding it far too unbearably lonely, I began trudging back toward the hospital in utter dejection. The more I thought about Teruko, the uglier I felt myself becoming, so I resolved to banish all thoughts of her from my mind from that moment on. When I thought this, Teruko’s phantom vanished effortlessly from my head, and I became aware of a refreshing feeling—so strange in its intensity—welling up from the depths of my chest like a spring.

When I reached the front of the hospital, there was a woman coming out of the entrance. It was Teruko. Teruko usually came every other day, and since she also had to go to Fukagawa at night, she shouldn’t have been coming here so frequently. “Well…” Teruko stared intently at my face. “Where did you go?” “I got too bored and went out for a bit—but I forgot my wallet, so I came back to get it. I’ll head back out now.” I was already telling such lies. When I saw Teruko’s face, lies would come out with utter naturalness. At my utterly dismissive words that completely ignored her, Teruko flared up in anger, her lips quivering.

“By the way, Teruko, what are you doing coming here at this hour?” “Everything I told you last night was just empty words. When you’re not around to watch me, I’ll do as I damn well please,” I declared with exaggerated irritation. “Do as you please! I wash my hands of you!” Teruko strode out through the gate. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry—it was a joke! As if I’d go out to play around…” “Oh, don’t get angry—please forgive me,” I said with a cheerful laugh, clinging to her as I spoke.

“Come to the house now.”

Teruko came to a resolute halt, as though she had settled something in her mind. "I don’t want to." "Come."

Teruko commanded. “I won’t hear objections.” I felt a creeping unease and resorted to my usual tactic—contorting my face into its most sullen mask—but sensed my strength draining like air from a pricked balloon. “I’ll handle the hospital refusal. Just come home—” Teruko stood immovable, as though declaring she’d never yield to such hollow posturing. For the first time, fury erupted from my very core—irrational, all-consuming. Out of sheer shame at having my mind’s ugly contrivances laid bare in one strike, audaciously, my consciousness blazed with wrath.

“Do whatever the hell you want!” I shouted, suddenly tearing off my hat and slamming it onto the ground with all my strength. I wanted to strip myself bare and hurl every inch of my body against the earth. I broke into a frantic run.—The tears cascading shamelessly down my cheeks felt exhilarating.—At the same time, Teruko—though I couldn’t make out her words—came chasing after me. “You’re insane!” Teruko’s voice—shouting something like this—reverberated in my ears.—I froze, my defiance snuffed out.—Failed—…for no reason at all, I thought. I’d already shaken off my fit of rage but had no choice but to keep running, however grudgingly.

Before long, an intense pain surged up in my left thigh joint, and I realized that leg was now utterly useless. But I absolutely did not want to be caught by Teruko. I desperately hopped on one leg, lurching awkwardly with each bounce. And to spur on this miserable flight, I counted off in my chest: one, two, three, four. In the dark, deserted alleyway, the gas lamp’s faintly flickering pale light danced in my tear-soaked eyes with each hop like an Impressionist painting—glinting and beautiful.

“It’s no use.” When I could no longer move and squatted down, Teruko—having finally caught up—thumped my back with a dull thud. I didn’t know where to look. I kept staring at the gaslight’s flame. “You fool!” Teruko said. I turned around and looked at her face. Teruko’s eyes were wet with tears too. “You’re worse than Uncle,” Teruko said with a laugh. Since this made the perfect cover for my embarrassment, I laughed as well. We stood motionless like that for a while without saying a word. I felt unbearably uncomfortable for no reason at all.

“Now you’re crying.” As the silence grew unbearable, I laughed again.

“Let’s walk a bit,” Teruko said. My heart aligned perfectly with Teruko’s feelings. When I thought the gaslight’s surroundings looked absurdly white—it was cherry blossoms blooming there.

“Uncle—somehow he’s in an unusually foul mood tonight—wouldn’t listen to a thing I said. Ended up going off somewhere alone in the end.” “Couldn’t manage him?” “Even I…” “It’s not like I only heed your every word…” “No—that’s not what I meant… My fault for getting so worked up—”

Teruko laughed as though refraining from continuing further. “Let’s walk back a bit to the hospital, okay?” “Maybe I could even stay at the hospital for you, you know.”

“I’ll pass on that.” I denied in an abrupt voice, yet felt strangely elated and let out a bright, incongruous laugh—Ha ha ha!

Teruko made a slightly surprised face. “It’s not like I’m interfering! I’m just your attendant, you know.” “But that’s weird.” I felt a ticklish pleasure. “Though of course you’re not the kind of patient who needs an attendant.” “…”

“Honestly, you’re always so dramatic about everything, Purezo.” “If it were real, you wouldn’t even need hospitalization.” “So you think it’s just a fake illness?” “That may not be… but I can’t help feeling half of Uncle’s condition is feigned.” “That’s absurd—” “By the way—where were you trying to go earlier? Are you still going?” “It’s a lie.” “You’re worried I might head somewhere shady, but there’s nothing like that.” “Even now—I just went out for a walk because I was unbearably bored, but it proved dull too so I turned back.” When I carelessly fell into Teruko’s rhythm and blurted out the truth, she—though I still tried to keep speaking—

“Oh, so it was a lie? Not that I didn’t suspect as much—truth be told, I’ve been teasing you from the start, Purezo! See, whenever I pretend even a smidge of concern, you get all puffed up with yourself—I could hardly keep from laughing!” she declared delightedly, dodging. I wasn’t the least bit surprised by something of this degree. Letting Teruko get carried away like this and secretly toying with her was all too easy. “Uncle has a lot in common with you too—it’s always the timid, good-natured ones who turn out to be the most underhanded schemers.” Teruko seemed convinced she’d subjected him to a particularly cutting spiteful annoyance. I even thought about retaliating with equally harsh teasing, but for some reason, precisely at this moment, no such interest stirred within me.

"I can't stand walking another step. Maybe I should call it quits and go back." "Oh come now—what spinelessness! It's still early—let's go see the lively part of town. I'm positively famished—it's not even dinnertime yet."

If I were to heed such reckless words and worsen my illness, that would be intolerable—I resolved to be cautious. Since walking had become utterly unbearable, I kept silent and made a bitter face. Teruko, paying no heed to me, gradually quickened her pace while muttering, “What a dreadfully cold evening,” then theatrically clicked her tongue with a “Brrr.” Out of excessive worry, I quietly pressed my palm to my forehead to check. “I think I have a slight fever.” “There’s no way you have a fever.” “A little drink would send those nerves packing. —If it were up to me, I’d let you have a drop or two.” Teruko, having misjudged that I was meekly listening, was pointlessly putting on a show of savage bravado, but I found it so absurd I couldn’t bring myself to engage.

——Before long, we emerged onto a bright street. I, feeling relieved, gazed at the advertisement lights flickering blue and red atop distant roofs.

“I want to eat eel,” Teruko said. “It’s strictly forbidden,” I said. “Then just watch from the side—it’s my treat anyway,” Teruko joked as she headed into the shop. “I’ll feel uneasy if I don’t get a drink,” Teruko said. “Even if you get it, I won’t drink,” I firmly refused. Teruko, ashamed that her face had reddened as they left, pressed her sleeve against it and hurried out through the shop’s noren curtain. I too bore the same degree of drunkenness on my face. Pressed by Teruko, I had ended up drinking too much despite my intense anxiety.

“You’re bright red—and all from *that* little bit!” Teruko studied my face and sneered, recalling how I’d always bragged about holding my liquor like some seasoned drinker. Though I’d barely consumed half what she had (I distinctly remembered leaving most of the second flask untouched), my head already swam with drunkenness. A faint blush lingered where Teruko had sparingly daubed rouge across her cheeks, but beneath the white powder it blurred into ghostly patches that scarcely showed.

“Immature drinkers who guzzle with their eyes shut either collapse sick or surrender mindlessly—in short, fools blind to liquor’s subtleties are hopeless wrecks, utterly devoid of appeal.” “For someone like me who’s always drinking—even one *gou* would leave me blissfully tipsy, my mind...” Had I become Yamamura? Recalling how I’d been mocked that way, I lectured with an unsteady tongue about that dubious maxim—though inwardly I marveled at Teruko’s brass.

“But more importantly, Teruko-chan—how’d you manage to drink that much?”

“I’m perfectly fine.” “And besides, I’ve been feeling completely reckless lately.” “There’s nothing but unpleasant things, and nothing goes the way I want… I’ve even started thinking—maybe I should just run away from home.”

“Hey, hey—just because I’m sitting here quietly listening doesn’t mean you can keep spouting such teeth-on-edge drivel. Cut it out, will you?” “Is that really just your idea of flirtatious prattle?” I was already woozy to the core, my lips moving of their own accord, spewing such vulgarities.

“No—this isn’t a joke. I don’t know what’s come over me lately, but even such idiotic notions are being earnestly contemplated—to the point where I unsettle myself.” “This isn’t your usual sort of talk, Purezo—but I too want to lose myself in some deranged frenzy.” Teruko’s words carried no trace of falsehood—indeed, having uttered them, she seemed utterly indifferent to any response from me, staring fixedly ahead without blinking. Anxiety and jealousy were extorted from me. When I’d made similar jests before Teruko, I could never have maintained such composure.

“What’s wrong with *yourself*?—the fact that you’d pose such a question in that form just shows how utterly bored you are. Quit spouting such pretentious drivel.” “After all, someone as shallow as you, Purezo, would never make for a proper conversation partner.”

“Go ahead and run away from home or do whatever you like—I’m of no use anyway.”

After that, Teruko stopped voicing such things, but the lingering shadow of anxiety refused to leave my heart. I had been enduring the sharp throbs in my thigh joint somehow, but as the pain only grew more intense by the minute, I walked with a discreet limp while avoiding prying eyes. This made things considerably easier. “Purezo, are you truly drunk?” “Ah, I’m drunk.” I expelled a liquor-heavy breath violently from my gut. “Ah, what bliss.” Maintaining composure, I feigned the magnanimous air of one endlessly savoring solitary raptures. If I could pass off my unsteady gait as drunkenness, I thought cunningly, I might successfully mask this limp.

“So, does Yamamura intend not to come back anymore?” Since Teruko had begun talking about Yamamura—and I too had been thinking various things about him since the day before—I posed the question thus. “He might not return, I tell you.” “I tell you, he left me quite a decisive letter.” “Of course I couldn’t tell *you*, Purezo—but…” “I do pity him… But more than that—tonight I’m far more preoccupied with Uncle’s affairs, I tell you.…” Teruko elaborated on matters concerning Ryōzō—

“It’s fine—I’ve often worried like that too… It’s fine, he’ll come back tomorrow,” I said, too preoccupied with my leg to give her concerns proper attention, and lightly comforted her. But Teruko merely stated that her situation differed from mine before falling silent, her head hanging low. And then, “Ah, how I hate this! How I hate this!” “How utterly tedious,” I muttered to myself.

“Teruko-chan, you’ve gotten a bit drunk.” “So what if I’m drunk? It doesn’t concern you.” I kept silent in a way that suggested I couldn’t act without understanding Teruko’s worries, preoccupied mainly with my own affairs as I walked slightly ahead. Once we’d gone a little farther, I thought I’d hire a rickshaw and part ways with Teruko on some pretext. At that moment, Teruko—walking behind me—suddenly burst into giggles as if recalling something. I continued strolling leisurely, nonchalantly exhaling cigarette smoke.

“Ridiculous, ridiculous! How unsightly you are!” Laughing obstinately and without even turning around, Teruko ran up to me as I tried to walk away nonchalantly and thumped me on the back. “Limp!”

“What?!” Startled, I found myself staring at Teruko’s face. In that single moment, my feelings were almost entirely empty. ……Hurry up and laugh it off…… I felt that whisper within my own chest. ……It’s nothing, isn’t it? There’s nothing to be surprised about…… I also felt that way. “Ugh, walking with you is—” So I, grinning slyly for the first time, suddenly—and this time with extreme exaggeration—

“Like this?” No sooner had I spoken than I took two or three comically teetering steps. “I’ve failed—failed utterly! She’s discovered my fatal weakness—” I thought in despair. ——That walking style—so comfortably numbing the pain—left me unable to suppress a bitter smile. “How expertly done—since it’s real!” Teruko doubled over laughing. I stopped stiffly—overwhelmed by shame—and to conceal my embarrassment—

“By the way, Teruko—I’d like to drink a bit more somewhere.” “I’ve been strangely downcast because there hasn’t been enough liquor since earlier,” I said. “You can drink if you want, but your leg really does hurt.” If I just said ‘That’s right’ and left it at that, it would be nothing— “It’s a lie, I tell you! My leg doesn’t hurt one bit!” “I really want to drink.” “See? Like this!” I said, putting on an empty show of bravado that even I couldn’t fathom—though why I did so remained unclear—as I stuffed my hands into my pockets and thump-thumped them against my chest from within the folds of my coat.

“Even if you do that, it doesn’t suit you one bit.”

I felt a terrible pain in my testicles.—Having done such a violent thing, what if I end up with orchitis or something… When I thought that, I felt unbearably pathetic.—A throbbing, crushing pain resounded to the crown of my head. I involuntarily bit my lip and endured the pain. "Why are you being so stubborn and making that scowling face?" "My throat’s quivering because I want to drink a bit more, you know." "What in the world are you doing with such vulgar antics! —But since we’re already in reckless spirits today, let’s stay out terribly late and make a proper mess of things, shall we?"

“There’s nothing reckless about it—I—” Having said this, I turned away from Teruko’s sentimental agitation—yet faintly felt my heart leap as though sensing the precursor to some vague delight. When I looked back at Teruko again, she stood motionless, her right hand still covering her nose and eyes, her swaying body barely maintaining its balance.

“Hey, hey—this isn’t a joke.” “Teruko, getting plastered won’t do any good, I’m telling you.” “Or are you feeling sick?” “Huh?” Even as I grumbled with evident annoyance, Teruko neither resisted nor stirred. “I’ve suddenly grown faint.” “Whoa! “Don’t go weak on me—get a grip.” “That’s why I ain’t sayin’ it like this!” Though I tried to project an air of composure—as if to say that even those who seem drunk can keep their wits about them in a pinch—my own head and legs were swaying alarmingly.

“Can’t you let me hold onto you for a bit?” Teruko draped herself against my shoulder.—This is getting out of hand—I thought. Yet if I could just bundle her into a rickshaw and send her off like this, it would ultimately be for my own good—and later, by grossly exaggerating and wringing Teruko dry, I’d undoubtedly experience a rare exhilaration these days——such coldly calculated schemes began churning in my mind. “Then, since it’s too mortifying to stay here—let’s go somewhere over there in the dark.”

The scene being unnervingly improbable, I—terrified most of all by prying eyes—uttered this while starting to walk ahead, but Teruko seemed not to have heard and failed to follow. Flushing crimson, I turned back once more and whispered the same words. At last noticing this, Teruko began walking with faltering steps at a tolerable pace. I strode briskly forward wearing an expression as though I weren’t her companion—an attitude too frigid for one who would later demand gratitude.

At the corner, when I glanced back, Teruko was dragging her feet like someone utterly exhausted.—For all her being such a show-off, she’s surprisingly shameless when it comes to this— Thinking this, I found myself unnervingly stirred by sexual associations. “Shouldn’t you be able to walk a bit faster, for goodness’ sake…” I gazed bitterly at Teruko’s figure.

We walked along the riverside where both the path and water’s surface lay faintly white and hazy under nothing but moonlight. It was a stretch where black walls ran endlessly. When we reached this spot—perhaps braced by the wind—Teruko stood steadier than I’d expected.

“Why are we going back?”

“Don’t worry. Nothing’s going to happen.” “Purezo, if you’re going to drink, then drink more.” “I’m quite alright now.” “That’s enough already—I’ve had more than my fill of playing Teruko’s escort.” “Really, I’m perfectly fine.” “That earlier bit was just me getting a little flustered, you know.” What the hell are you saying— I thought. “Come on, let’s go. It’s not that late yet anyway—besides, I’m supposed to stay at the Fukagawa house tonight regardless. No matter how late it gets, it won’t matter.”

“I’ve grown sick of walking.” I muttered desolately, as though groaning from the pit of my stomach, and squatted down right there on the spot. I couldn’t take another step. “Oh my! Oh my!” “What’s this—you’re in a real fix now, aren’t you?” Laughing, Teruko took my hand and yanked me up as she said, “Come on, walk briskly now.” “Come on! Be lively like you were earlier!” “There we go!”

Teruko, who had begun her frivolous antics with such cheap gusto—I despised her from the depths of my being and glared furiously into her face. “I’ve had enough.” “Tch!” “What nonsense are you spouting now?” No sooner had she spat this than Teruko balled her fist and jabbed my shoulder. “Show me that limp again.” “My legs hurt too much to bear.” A voice teetering on tears escaped me. “And it’s freezing here besides.” “So let’s settle this drinking business once and for all.”

I, in frustrated desperation, abruptly stood up and, “Well then, shall we really drink?” I declared, as though I’d made some grand resolution. “There’s nothing really wrong with you—why’re you getting all huffy like that?” I, feeling a belated sense of defeat as though my innermost thoughts had been laid bare, tried to disguise this by— “If we decide to drink, I’ll perk up,” I said resignedly. “Let’s walk faster. You can manage, can’t you?” With Teruko, who had said this and started walking briskly, spurring me on, I became utterly disarrayed in mind,

“Of course I can walk! Of course!” “I can walk as much as you want!” I declared, striding past Teruko with large, vigorous steps. But at the same time, when I realized that I couldn’t walk in any satisfactory manner,

“Teruko—look here! This is how you do it!” I said, putting on an exaggerated limp for show. “That’s it, that’s it! Oh, how amusing!”

I couldn't help but clench my teeth. Tears rolled quietly down my cheeks. “Now then, Purezo—go ahead and run like you did earlier. If you do that, you’ll be splendid, you know.” “Hmm, alright alright—like this?”

I hitched up my clothes and went hopping off on one leg. Then Teruko found it amusing, as though she were seeing this for the first time.—Wait—maybe she hadn’t witnessed this hopping earlier… If so, I’d given her yet another weakness to exploit—ah, I should’ve stopped—I realized. But Teruko was so delighted, and besides, this way felt far more comfortable, so in reckless abandon I leapt up again with an even odder posture.

"Damn you!" "To hell with it all." "What did it matter if I died?" Muttering such things in a frenzy, I went hopping off as cheerfully as a kangaroo. What a fool of a woman that Teruko must be. Could there really be a man who'd approach a woman like that with genuine feelings...?—The thought suddenly crossed my mind. In the haze of some distant memory, there might have been such a woman—but even so, that Teruko was a fool of a woman—her figure drifted through my mind in that form. "I don't know the details, but if what Teruko said was true—whether it's Yamamura or Uncle—what pathetic people they must be."

I clung to the bridge railing—as though my own flesh had either flown off to some distant sky or been utterly forgotten—and slumped limply. Nonsensical notions seemed to drift like wisps of smoke through my mind, but even these vanished before long, leaving me merely lifting hollow eyes to the empty sky. “Bound by delusion’s rope, drunk on void.” I had suddenly recalled this and was struck with dismay when, before I knew it, I startled myself and struck my own head with all my strength.—That phrase was something Ryōzō had muttered like a soliloquy before me one recent evening, in a state of terrible agitation. Yet even that madman seemed to grow ashamed of having carelessly uttered such words, hastily retracting them with: “There’s a passage like this in the Hizō Hōron, but I don’t find it an interesting phrase at all.”—

“Purezo, Purezo! Wait for me! If you go so far ahead, I shall be scared, shall I not?” “I am completely exhausted.”

Before long, Teruko’s figure—breathless from chasing after him—flickered into view within the white, ghastly pale moonlight.

On the black roof across the river, a perfectly round spring moon perched abruptly.

(Written in July of the 11th year)